Yes. All of This Did Actually Happen.

So, yesterday I had to go to my lady doctor (sorry dudes, but I promise to not go into any awful details!), which is just an all-around unwanted experience for every woman. I have literally never met a woman who has said “I love going to my hoo-ha doctor. It’s the best!” unless said woman was using extreme sarcasm, because let’s be honest here: It’s the fracking worst.

I have a lot of issues with my lady doctor. She’s kind of mean and she pushes drugs on me that I don’t want to take. Not to mention she invades my personal space, but I’m not here to talk about that. I’m here to talk about this:

gynopicasso

So, this was hanging in my exam room. It was literally the only decorative thing in there, so I couldn’t stop looking at it while I sat there for 15 minutes alone, in nothing but a very unflattering mint-green robe.

I couldn’t help but wonder “What the hell kind of emotion is this supposed to evoke from me in this situation?”

I mean, really… Is it supposed to make me feel maternal? Is that child supposed to awaken some nurturing quality within me so that I can feel more feminine while I wait for my hooch to be examined in the least flattering way possible?

Because here’s how I felt: “Good grief, I hope that small cross-dressing boy doesn’t kill me while I’m in here alone… What the frack is he doing to that dove? OH MY GOSH, PLEASE DON’T EAT THAT DOVE.”

And then my doctor knocked on the door and I had to act like I was totally fine for the next 20 minutes, even though I was horrified from literally all angles, both physically and mentally.

Not only that, but both my doctor and her technician were pushing this internet thing on me…

Technician: Are you on the internet?

Me: Not at this moment, no…

Technician: No, I mean, like, do you use the internet?

Me: Well… yeah… I’m not 80…

Technician: …Fair point. Anyway, we started using this program called <insert fake name here>, and it’s really great because you can send us messages and stuff and we can even just post all of your exam results on there with your charts and everything so that you can see exactly what your body is doing from a medical standpoint. I really like it! There’s an app and everything!

Me: So… It’s like facebook for my vagina?

Technician: Huh… I guess it is!

Me: Cool…

***

In other news… I’ve been getting a lot more work and hours at the bookshop lately, which is wonderful, but unfortunately means that my life is exhaustingly more busy… Because of this, I’ve decided to cut down on the blogging… DON’T. FREAK. OUT. You’ll still have me around, duckies, just not six days a week. I’ve decided to blog on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays from now on. I will still be doing the Book Reviews on the 1st of every month (today is your last chance to make suggestions for May!!), though, so that will be the only occasional exception. I think we can all agree that this is still a fair schedule, no?

Alright, that’s all for now! See you tomorrow for the Book Review!! Have a wonderful Tuesday, Duckies!!

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28 Responses to Yes. All of This Did Actually Happen.

  1. Lara Howard says:

    I think I have just been convinced to postpone my lady doctor visit once again, haha!

  2. Stopping by from the Ultimate Blog Challenge and THIS is the BEST post I’ve read all month! I literally laughed out loud…I’m sorry that is was at your expense 🙁 Please get a new “lady doctor” — it doesn’t have to be this way. At least you got a great post out of it. Congratulations on getting new work!!

  3. Deb Dutilh says:

    Oh, the things that go through our head when visiting our lady doctor!

  4. GK Adams says:

    So, if it’s like Facebook for your vagina, do we have to “like” it? Because…eww.

  5. Ha Emelie,
    This made me smile as I read! I could imagine you thinking as you looked at the picture!
    By the way, it’s no party at the man doctor either, let me tell you!
    cheers,
    Gordon

  6. I’m not really sure that my vagina needs a facebook account! I am going to stop there because my thought process is going in strange, unpleasant directions.

  7. eclipsed823 says:

    This literally made me lol. I’m pregnant so I’m at my hoo-ha doctor weekly at this point and it sucks. Especially since my doctor is super lame because she doesn’t have that fancy vaginal facebook app. My vagina would probably have some epic status updates. It could check in at all sorts of cool places. I’m gonna tell my gyno to check into this.

    Stopping by from SITS

  8. filbio says:

    Facebook for your vagina? So if we “like” your page do we get access to all your profile pics? Ewwwww……

    LOL – I know, bad Phil, bad Phil!

  9. Meg says:

    Hah! This is hilarious! I don’t really remember much about my lady doctor. I guess it is that time of year that I should make an appointment. Hah.

  10. Vaginabook … I’m sure it’ll be the next big thing 🙂

  11. That painting both intrigues and frightens me. You’re brave for not flipping it to face the wall.

  12. Karen says:

    I laughed for about five minutes straight woman…facebook for vagina….OMG OMG>…cracks me up. so following you now…
    Happy Saturday SHAREFEST

  13. Haha, this is awesome. I don’t think I have ever really looked at anything while in the confines of the obgyn room.. now I must..

    • Don’t say I didn’t warn you. I mean, it definitely is a great way to pass the time, but as you may have noticed, it can take you down a dark path. Just saying.

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