Okay, so last night, my good friend Lemon and I were sitting at the bar having a drink when we spotted this mega attractive guy at the table behind us.
Naturally, we went into creepy mode and started trying to sneak pictures of him to send to our best friend John Hamm, who just recently moved out to Boston and abandoned us all. All of said pictures came out blurry and accomplished nothing other than embarrassment.
So, anyway, John Hamm is dating the head chef at this restaurant (where Lemon and I also work). You haven’t met him yet, duckies, but we’ll call him Snape because… well… he kind of looks like Snape… if Snape showered every once in a while and smiled sometimes, too. Plus, he cooks amazing food, which is kind of like being a potions master, right?
Anyway… back to the blurry yet attractive man at the table and our texting conversation about him.
Lemon: Snape thinks he’s gay… 🙁 This has thrown us into second-guessing.
John Hamm: What, hot guy?
Me: No… Snape. Duh…. Like… you’re his beard.
John Hamm: Ho boy… This is awkward.
Me: I think he and the sous chef are running away together.
I’d like to take a moment to point how just how quickly we got derailed from talking about the hot guy here. And no, Snape is not gay. That we know of.
Lemon: Now I’m paranoid… Because he is NOT gay in my head… Hot guy. Not Snape.
John Hamm: I’m just going to have to vehemently prove everyone wrong when he comes out here.
Lemon: Soooo… As witnessed by no one?
Me: Or everyone….
John Hamm: I can make you guys witnesses, but I feel like you wouldn’t like that.
Lemon: …do I get popcorn?
Me: And tomatoes to throw at you guys?
John Hamm: That’s your prerogative.
Lemon: Can we yell “boo” when necessary?
Me: And applaud when deserved? Golf claps only, of course.
Lemon: Yeah, we don’t want to distract you.
John Hamm: There will be no booing, as it will be spectacular from beginning to end.
Me: Oh!! And we can judge it “Dancing With the Stars” style!!! I want to be Bruno.
Lemon: I’m Len!!
John Hamm: You’ll need a third.
Me: Um… Gumby. Obvi. He can be Carrie Ann.
John Hamm: Aw! He’ll be enthused for me.
Me: But he’ll critique your foot work!
Lemon: That means we get scoring paddles… Which you are prohibited from utilizing. Get your own! Oh! and I will use a cranky British accent!
Me: Yeah! I’ll work on rolling my R’s and getting all animated with my shoulders to the point of not being able to stay seated.
John Hamm: Just hang out with your mom for a while.
Lemon: This conversation took a strange turn…
John Hamm: Strange, but true… Also, it started strange.
Lemon: Eh, more or less.
Me: I can’t wait for the Internet tomorrow…