We argue just like regular couples do.

Boyfriend and I don’t fight much, but we’ve been having the same argument over and over again for the past few months or so. It’s a fairly simple argument: I believe the toilet is haunted and he chooses to fall for the witchcraft of mechanical logic.

You see, every now and again, multiple times a day, my toilet will make a noise. It’s not a flushing noise. It’s more like a… whispering. And every time that this happens, my eyes get wide and I look at Boyfriend with a mixture of fear and excitement and I whisper “ghosts!”

He inevitably responds in a monotonous voice at a normal speaking volume, “It’s not ghosts.”

Recently this escalated:

Toilet: whisper, whisper, whisper….

Me: Ghosts!

Boyfriend: You have a leaking valve in the tank. It is slowly letting water out into the bowl causing the tank to refill itself. It’s not ghosts.

Me: 1. It’s ghosts. 2. Stop raining on my ghost parade. 3. It’s ghosts.

Boyfriend: 1. Ghosts are scary. 2. Ghosts scare me. 3. I don’t like being scared.

Me: 4. Who tampered with the valve?? GHOSTS. They just want us to believe in logic. THAT’S HOW THEY WIN.

Boyfriend: 4. It could be caused by that thing you put in the tank to keep in clean. That could have caused build-up – or the gasket is old and rotted and needs to be replaced.

Me: or…Ghosts.

I’m not saying he’s crazy or anything, but I don’t understand how he can even try to argue with me on this one. He even tried to hit me with a “why would a ghost even haunt your toilet?” and I just yelled “DO I EVEN NEED TO BRING UP MOANING MYRTLE RIGHT NOW??”

And it’s not just the toilet, if I’m being fair. I think it’s also the bathtub. I’ve never heard anything in the bathtub, but sometimes the dog just walks in there and stares all panic-stricken into the bathtub and animals can see things that we can’t, so you can’t deny this one. Plus, this is a super old building. This house was built in the early 1800s! In Connecticut! There is a whole movie about Connecticut being haunted! Is he seriously going to try and tell me that this place isn’t even slightly haunted? And sure, he says ghosts scare him, but it doesn’t seem like this one is doing anything too creepy. S/he is just using the bathroom. Maybe that’s how s/he died. After all, as I told Boyfriend, ghosts usually hang around because they have unfinished business….

It was at this point that he said, “Emelie, can we please talk about something else right now?”

“What, like the little boy I sometimes see standing in the corner of the hallway at night?” I asked.

He maybe hasn’t talked to me since.

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8 Responses to We argue just like regular couples do.

  1. Deborah W Howe says:

    I am literally laughing out loud!! Love it!!

  2. You are quite funny. I laugh snorted twice on this one. THANK YOU!Great writing! Ha!

  3. Suzie says:

    Came over here from The Bloggess comments section, and it was worth it because I laughed hard enough for my coworker to ask me what the heck I was reading. 🙂

  4. Kate says:

    I just read about your dance party and then this. You’re a really good writer. Sorry nobody came to dance with you!!

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