Okay, so this post might get a little weird for some people, but personally, I was laughing too hard while having this conversation to not consider posting it – and then I relayed the story to Fiona and she was laughing too hard for me not to decide to post this.
So this is a conversation I had the other night with my dear friend Gumby:
Gumby: I just ate almost two pounds of fruit.
Me: Ooooo yummy, but I bet you’ll have to poop later.
Gumby: Sure will…just like with all food.
Me: Yeah, but fruit makes you poop more! Just like with coffee!
Gumby: Making me wonder, what would it look like if you ate nothing but corn for like a week or so? Whole kernel corn.
Me: …that’s terrifying…
Gumby: I bet we could market that as a “colon cleansing diet”.
Me: Totally. LET’S MAKE SOME MONEY.
Gumby: The problem would be ensuring that the person didn’t die from nutrient deficiencies, but its only a week…
Me: Yeah, and then people would try and take it to court when they get sick but we’d be all “WE SAID ONLY A WEEK, BITCHES!”
Gumby: We couldn’t tell anyone what the diet was otherwise they would just go to the store and buy it for themselves. I’m picturing this being a diet in a can that is only marked with like “day 5 breakfast” and everytime they open it, they get sad and yell “Corn AGAIN??!?”
Me: Oh that’d be perfect!! We could so get away with this! It’s an infallible plan.
Gumby: We could simultaneously run a study to see how long people take to question authority.
Me: Blending scamming with science! I love it! This legitimizes the whole thing.
So… Gumby and I might be too comfortable with one another… and if you see some weird Corn Diet scheme popping up… don’t say anything… I’m kind of poor and I could totally use the money. Plus, John Hamm is going to be a lawyer – so she can keep us from getting sued. Pro bono because she loves me.