My dear friend, Apollo, drives a car that might as well have come out of a cereal box. He’s driven this car since we were in high school, and I remember that when we were 16 and he first got it, I asked him if Special K would replace the door if it ever fell off.
He’s never been that amused by my jokes.
Anyway, the crappy car is part of the reason that he is not driving from his new home in Virginia back to our hometown in Ohio for Thanksgiving. This was the conversation that he and my best friend John Hamm had, which she later shared with me:
John Hamm: So, I’m guessing you’re working [over Thanksgiving weekend]?
Apollo: No. My parents are coming here. They think the pilgrims landed here and want to do an “authentic” Thanksgiving. That was totally Massachusetts.
John Hamm: Hahahaha – there is so much wrong with that I don’t even know where to start. You should combat drive up on Friday!
Apollo: I would, but I can’t! I’m getting a new car that day!
John Hamm: Nice! What kind?
Apollo: Hopefully a Volkswagen. Depends on what deal I can get.
John Hamm: Whoa. Slow down, adrenaline junkie.
Apollo: Dude, I need fuel economy.
John Hamm: Haha, I know. I’m just glad I don’t have to worry about you getting carried off by a strong gust of wind anymore.
Apollo: Yeah, holy crap anything is going to be better.
John Hamm: These are exciting times we live in. You’re getting a new car, I’m getting new hair.. everyone is winning!
Apollo: What type of hair?
John Hamm: Indian girl hair. I’ve decided to shave my head and start exclusively wearing wigs.
Apollo: That’s cool. I see that fitting well!
John Hamm: Yeah. I’ll get some normal ones and some Ramona Flowers ones. Switch it up every couple of days.
Apollo: Friggin’ awesome!
John Hamm: This will also be useful with all the crimes I’m planning on committing. Harder to identify.
Apollo: Burn your fingerprints off, too.
John Hamm: Like in Men in Black, exactly – way ahead of you.
I have weird friends, but now I also understand that Apollo’s real reason for not coming home is that the chances of him getting arrested increase as the distance between him and us gets smaller…
Anyway, I’m glad Apollo is getting a new car. It’s well overdue. Maybe it can be John Hamm’s getaway car…