Texting and the art of The Woo

Last night, I received this text from my friend, who for privacy reasons we will call “Sara”:

The guy I went out with CALLED and LEFT A MESSAGE to ask me out for a second date. Why has this never happened before?

And my immediate response was something along the lines of “Yes. I am also shocked by this gesture and I wholeheartedly approve of his effortful actions.” (Sidenote: I just accidentally found out that “effortful” is a word.) and then I was so quickly overcome by the thought “WAIT THIS SHOULD NOT BE A SHOCKING THING” that I was prompted to text her that exact statement around 4am her time because I care.

I know that living in the tiny cell phone-serviceless (not a real word, apparently, but I tried) area that I live in has only reinforced my traditional and seemingly old-fashioned ways, but I think a phone call should not be that weird, especially when it comes to the art of The Woo.

Don’t get me wrong, I love texting. I’m hysterical via text and I appreciate it as a medium of communication (I’m a millennial after all), but I think that texting is something one should only really use in certain situations:

  1. With your close friends. Your best friend or other close friends know your tone. They can read your subtle sarcasms. They get you enough to know that when you text things like, “That sounds like a great idea.” what you really mean is, “What the actual fuck are you thinking?” After a first date, however, a guy could text me and say “Great time! Want to meet up next week?” and when I respond with a simple “K.” I really run the risk that he won’t know that what I really mean is “You are super boring and my enthusiasm is the equivalent of this one letter, so no…” See? This is why one should always call.
  2. Quick messages and updates. These include messages such as “I’m running late! Be there in five minutes!” or “The dog just puked in the toilet! Today is amazing!”
  3. When updating your friend about current awkward situations: “This guy on the bus is literally trying to lick his own elbow right now.” …… “Oh God… he just looked at me and smiled.” ……. “It’s official. This is what I’m attracting: Elbow-licking loners on busses. It’s time to reevaluate my life.” ….. “Why aren’t you responding to me?” ……. “UPDATE: ELBOW-LICKER HAS SWITCHED SEATS AND IS NOW NEXT TO ME. THIS MAY BE THE LAST MESSAGE I EVER SEND. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT I LOVE Y–” …………………….. “Really? Nothing? Do you not even care about my safety?” And other things like that until your friend finally responds with “I knew you could get through this on your own, that’s why I didn’t respond. That and I was in a meeting because I have a real job, so thanks for blowing up my phone and making my boss glare at me. Also, I knew you were lying towards the end because you wouldn’t have been able to text me if he really was sitting next to you, so you deserved what you got.”

When it comes to The Woo, however, a text just isn’t romantic, no matter how many emogis you use. There is something about being able to pick up your phone and hear a guy sound nervous or excited to ask you if you enjoyed your time with him as much as he enjoyed his time with you during that weird debate over the finale of Battlestar Galactica and whether or not Adama and Tigh should have had a parting ways scene (SERIOUSLY, THERE WAS ZERO CLOSURE THERE AND THEY WERE BESTIES). And then you can do that super cute thing where you just keep listening to the voicemail over and over again and being all “D’aww… he likes me…” Like Lorelai and Max Medina. (Yes, I did just made a BSG reference and a Gilmore Girls reference in one paragraph.)

Not to mention, you can be fairly confident that he didn’t reach out to  you from the toilet or something. With a text, you just never know.

This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Texting and the art of The Woo

  1. deborah lattizori says:

    once again you have captured the essence of the text. this was delightful and insightful. and as always, funny.

  2. Kayly Nyman says:

    This is brilliance. Completely true, as well.

  3. Ronnie Peace says:

    Agreed.
    “Effortful” is a word, but I must disagree with you and say that “phone-serviceless” is also a word. I always go on the advice that if you know what it means then it is, in fact, a word. Albeit, a hyphenated one at that.
    Also, may I also offer that there is a time when it is acceptable to use text for “The Woo” (I’m gonna use that term, love it) and that is when you are Stephen Hawking.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *