Screw You, I’ll Be the Town Animal Control!!

So, the other night I was having dinner with my friend and co-worker, “Kelloggs”. He did not pick this name, but it was given to him due to the fact that he is a giant flake. Get it? I know, it’s a pretty bad pun, but it was just so perfect… Anyway, Kelloggs and I were having dinner at this local Mexican place that we like in our home town (where we also work together at an indie book shop).
We had just said our good byes when I started heading to my car and out of nowhere, this Weimeraner jogs by. Since nobody else was around, I started following it. I called Kelloggs and told him to come help me.
Me: A dog just ran by!
Kelloggs: …okay…
Me: Come help me!!
Kelloggs: Ugh… fine….
So Kelloggs met up with me and we chased the dog around the downtown shopping area for a while.
Let me take a moment to describe this town. It is Suburbia to the max. The downtown shopping area is this adorable little main street section of shops with areas to sit on the grass and chat or get ice cream, but then it’s also got this newer portion with a bunch of brand name shops, like Ann Taylor or White House Black Market. In other words, it’s full of places I can’t afford to shop.
Anyway, so Kelloggs and I are following this dog.
Me: Thanks for helping me! Dragon hates when I do this.
Kelloggs: Yeah. I also hate when you do this.
We finally catch up with the pup behind a restaurant, where she was snacking on scraps around their dumpster. I saw that she had a collar on, but no tags, unfortunately. So, I called the non-emergency line at the police station.
Me: Hi! I found a dog wandering around downtown. She has an electric fence collar on, but no tags. I think she must have just wandered off.
Policeperson: Okay… Well, we haven’t had any calls about a missing dog.
Me: Okay, well… I’m down by the library now, so how long should I wait?
Policeperson: Well, do you live in the area?
Me: Um… Yes.
Policeperson: Are you able to take it home?
Me: Uh… maybe? I don’t know, I have a dog at home, and I don’t know how this dog is with other dogs. Isn’t there anything you can do?
Policeperson: Well, we don’t have any animal control or anything, so there’s nothing I can do for you… So, you can either take it home or let it go and find its own way back.
Me: What?? Um… okay, well, obviously I’m not going to just let it go. Can I leave you with my name and number and if the owner calls in, you can just have them call me?
Policeperson: Of course.
So, I give her my information and hang up the phone.
How the hell does this town not have animal control? You should know, reader, that this town has like fifty dog hotels and shops and adorable little boutiques to buy homemade organic dog treats, but NO FREAKING ANIMAL CONTROL?? Is that even possible??
That’s when I decided that I would become the town animal control officer. Operating at random hours as I walk around town. Maybe I’d even get a mask…
So, I immediately called my mom to see if we could keep the dog in her garage, but she didn’t seem very fond of the idea… So I decided that I would grab some rope from my car and and let the dog lead me to her home. Kelloggs decided that he would leave me to it at this point. It was late at night and he needed to get home. So… the dog and I went walking.
Side note: Before anyone starts thinking that Kelloggs is a jerk for letting a girl wander around alone at night, you can calm down. A) I had a dog. B) This is suburbia. C) He came back two minutes later when it started to rain a bit.
When we got to an intersection, I realized that this might have been a mistake. This dog seriously just stood there staring in all possible directions. So, I called my vet friend (by “vet friend”, I mean that he is working on getting into vet school), “Gumby” (he really does bear a striking resemblance) who lives two hours away to ask what he thought I should do.
Me: Hi… so I found a dog.
Gumby: Where?
Me: In downtown Suburbia.
Gumby: Okay… go on?
Me: Well, she was wandering around and when I found her, she didn’t have any tags, so I called the cops, who told me that we don’t have freaking animal control – can you believe that??
Gumby: What? Are you serious??
Me: I know! So I said “Screw you! I’ll be the town animal control!!” So I made a leash out of some rope and I thought she might lead me to her home, but now I’m just wandering the streets of Suburbia, with no idea of where she’s taking me…
Gumby: Oh my god… Let me call my mom and see if you can bring the dog over there.
You see, Gumby’s parents live in Suburbia too, and they basically have a farm, so this was essentially perfect!
So, next thing I know, I’m putting this dog in my car and driving her up the street to Gumby’s mom and dad’s house. When we were there we fed her some rice and chicken broth and gave her some water – and I was finally able to take a picture that I could put up on facebook:
I think this kennel makes the whole thing look much sadder than it really was…
And that was when I got a phone call from her owners. Thankfully they were right around the corner and came to pick her up. When they got there, they gave me a bottle of wine and thanked me and Gumby’s mom and dad immensely. 
And that is how I rescued a dog and the world was made right again – except for the fact that there is still no animal control in Suburbia. I will be writing a letter.
The end.
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2 Responses to Screw You, I’ll Be the Town Animal Control!!

  1. Heather says:

    I love the fact that I have adventurous friends. like you.-hc

  2. Pingback: For the Record, I Would Never Harm a Squirrel. | Awkwardly Alive and Pleasantly Peculiar

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