Huskies: LITERALLY HAIR EVERYWHERE.

Gio had to go to the vet yesterday for his first ever teeth cleaning. I don’t normally have any anxiety over dentistry, but for him it felt different. They had to put him under, which surprised me at first, but then made total sense because how else would you clean a dog’s teeth? It’s not like you can just tell him to lean back comfortably in this chair and stare at the soothing image of rolling hills tacked to the ceiling. So we dropped him off at 8:15 in the morning and told him to be a good boy and then we left. Aloy, our puppy, was a little confused and cried on the car ride home, but then she realized that all of the dog toys were hers for the day, so she was fine.

I don’t know why I had such anxiety over this. It’s not like he was going to be in any pain whatsoever. In fact, our vet is so awesome that he was even texting us pictures of Gio beforehand to show that he was being treated wonderfully, not that we had any doubt.

And everything went perfectly, of course. The weird part was when The Mr went to pick him up and brought him to the bookshop where I work afterward. Gio was so dazed from the anesthetic that he didn’t even notice me when they walked by my desk. That part was a little heartbreaking, but then he did see me and he sleepily came over, his tail lazily curled (because he doesn’t wag, for some reason?), and it was all okay.

SO CLEAN!

GROSS.

And then The Mr told me something really weird. The vet had found a hair stuck in Gio’s mouth.

Me: That’s not that weird. He produces much fur.

The Mr: No… stuck in the roof of his mouth.

Me: ….like…

The Mr: YEAH. THE VET HAD TO PULL IT OUT.

Me: WHAT. IS THAT NORMAL?

The Mr: I DON’T KNOW.

And now I can’t stop obsessing over the fact that A HAIR WAS GROWING OUT OF THE ROOF OF MY DOG’S MOUTH AND HOW IS THAT EVEN A THING THAT CAN HAPPEN? And I keep asking The Mr all of these questions and he’s all “EMELIE I’VE TOLD YOU EVERYTHING I KNOW.”

So I texted my vetthis adorable photo of Gio getting his breakfast in bed this morning because he was still kind of groggy and didn’t want to get up to eat and the vet responded with “Awww,”  and then I was all “Also, there was a hair lodged in his mouth WTF?!” and he hasn’t gotten back to me yet. So, you know, that’s… what’s happening here? Just a normal day, I guess?

I’ll keep you all updated.

 

 

 


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Posted in Ramblings, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 3 Comments

Just doin’ my job, sir.

Today a child totally called me out when I lied to him, but in my defense, he was hitting his father to an obnoxious degree (aren’t all degrees obnoxious?) and using truth and reasoning wasn’t helping.

Me: Alright kid, this has gone on long enough. We have a very strict no-hitting policy here and if you don’t stop it, I’m going to have to put you to work.

Kid: ….

Me: Cleaning our toilets.

Kid’s Dad: Ooooo… that sounds rough, dude.

Kid: No. You’re lying.

Me: What? I am not.

Kid: Yes you are.

And then we just stared at each other for a few moments until I turned my attention back to his dad.

Me: So anyway, you should totally read Ready, Player, One because it’s amazing.

Dad: Awesome, thank you!

I would like it to be noted, though, that the kid did stop hitting his dad, so…. I’m kind of a hero – even if I didn’t stay within the lines of morality to do it. I’m basically Batman.

 

via GIPHY

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BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FISH.

A conversation I had with The Mr as we were getting into bed:

Me: Do you think fish ever get headaches?

The Mr: I’m sorry, ‘do fish get headaches?’

Me: Or any animals, I suppose. Do animals get headaches?

The Mr: I’ve never really thought about it.

Me: It must be so terrible to have a headache as an animal. I wonder what they do about it. Because it’s not a life-or-death malady, is it? It’s just an annoyance, but it can be so annoying that you can’t do anything else… but I feel like animals don’t really have that luxury, do they? They can’t be like “Not tonight, I have a headache.” or “I don’t feel like hunting today, my head hurts,” or on the flip side when one animal sees another animal out on the hunting grounds that isn’t usually there, they’re not like “Hey Steve, what are you doing out here today?” and then Steve has to be all “Oh, just seeking out some herbs for Julie. She’s got a massive migraine,” you know?

The Mr: I don’t think that’s how the animal kingdom works.

Me: Yeah, but you can’t tell me that we’re the only species that gets headaches.

The Mr: Well… most headaches are caused by dehydration, so… yeah, I’m sure animals get headaches.

Me: Okay, BUT WHAT ABOUT FISH?? They’re never dehydrated.

The Mr: Good night, honey.

via GIPHY


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And they shall call me “#Sedawson!” Wait. No.

For my birthday The Mr took me to see David Sedaris. He was performing, we didn’t pay him a visit or anything. It’s not like The Mr was all “Pack a picnic, darling, we’re off to visit with David!” and then drove me to some grand estate with groundskeepers and things.

 

via GIPHY

Why are David Sedaris, The Mr, and I suddenly in a Jane Austen novel? None of this seems right… Oh duh, that’s because The Mr bought tickets to go see David Sedaris speak in Massachusetts. Now things make more sense.

Clearly, I do not hang out with David Sedaris (and I believe it’s pretty obvious that that won’t be changing anytime soon.), but I’ve been a big fan of his since college when Bestbian introduced me to his work. I thought he was funny then, but now my affection for him and his work has grown from being a fan to being inspired. His ability to write an essay is frustratingly brilliant.

 

via GIPHY

The personal essay is something that I’ve been working hard at lately, and in doing so, I’ve been turning to his work more and more.

There’s just one problem with looking to my heroes for inspiration: They always seem to be more interesting than I am.

David Sedaris seems to witness a completely different world than I do. Jenny Lawson always ends up in these ridiculous situations and conversations. After reading their work, I find myself not feeling inspired, but instead feeling inadequate.

But then David Sedaris said something in response to a question at his reading that changed things for me. A couple people asked him questions about how he got into writing memoir or if he goes out and gets himself into situations for the sake of the story and he began talking about how none of this was ever part of the plan.

“If you read my work, you’ll notice that nothing big ever really happens to me,” he said. “I just have to figure out how to make something out of nothing most of the time.”

He also said something along the lines of how going out and doing something just so that you can write about it immediately turns that story into a lie. He writes about things that happen to him and what he thinks about those things. Staging those situations immediately takes away the truth from the story.

I couldn’t stop thinking about this. For weeks prior to this reading, I had been saying to The Mr that we need to go do more interesting things and get ourselves into more interesting situations – all for the sake of having material. Of course, now I realize that this notion is completely ridiculous. I can’t put myself in situations like David Sedaris’ and Jenny Lawson’s and expect the great, fresh material to flow out of me. The world already has David Sedaris and Jenny Lawson. They don’t need a Sedaris-Lawson impersonator. (#Sedawson?)

I’m me. It’s my perspective and my ideas that should be going into my work. I just need to learn to make something out of nothing.

I simply need to learn to make something out of nothing.

And maybe when I’m feeling like I can’t do it or that I have nothing good to say, I’ll call my good friend David for a little pick-me-up. Oh… right. I’ll just think about that time I sat in an audience of a thousand people and heard some good advice.


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A Birthday Giveaway!

It’s my birthday today! Yay!

 

via GIPHY

Not only is the universe providing an awesome solar eclipse, but while the world has been seemingly crappy lately, I’ve found myself refusing to give up on optimism. Because that’s how we let the crappy things win.

One thing that I’m especially thankful for is all of you, which is why I’m doing a giveaway for my birthday! The prize? A box of some of my favorite books shipped to you with a personal note from me telling you why I loved them and I hope you will, too!

Here’s what you have to do to enter:

Leave a comment down below telling me three things that you still love about this world. 

That’s it. Just tell me three things that make you happy. Do so before 11:59pm (EST) tonight and then tomorrow morning I will announce the winner, which will be randomly selected from the comments below.

Ready? GO!

This contest is now closed (but keep commenting with happy thoughts!). Congrats to Merima for the win! 


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Some curtains and a tv.

For me, writing is a lot of sitting around not knowing what to write about. Occasionally I come home from work and know that I need to sit down and write some things, but for some reason whenever I set aside time to write, my mind goes blank when the moment arises. I stare aimlessly at my screen and realize that the worst has happened: I have nothing to say.

Okay, sure, for some of you reading this you’re probably thinking “Finally,” but for me, the writer, it’s not the greatest. In fact, for me, it’s one of the most frustrating things I can go through.

Because normally my brain is very busy and full of activity.

And then on the days that I say “TODAY I SHALL WRITE MANY WORDS,” my brain just goes… blank.

 

via GIPHY

What if I never think of something to write again? I’ll say to myself. What if this is it? 

And, of course, I know deep down that’s most likely not the case, but then I spiral down into the blank pit of writer’s block. The giant hole of nothingness.

So I’ll read a book about writing to try and get my brain going. But today, for example, the passage I read was all about how you need to focus in on the small moments in life. It’s in the small things that the lessons hide and are learned.

So I look for small things. I stare around the room for a while and try and focus on objects that might conjure up some fantastic story.

I have curtains, I think. So… those are things. I have a giant tv that I wish wasn’t so giant. That’s also a thing, I guess.  

Turns out that my curtains and my giant tv don’t really have much to say about my life. The curtains came from IKEA and the tv, well it’s a tv.

And I know that the writer of this book didn’t actually mean to find small “things,” but instead was referring to small moments that illustrate the effects of a bigger life lesson, and I know that those small moments exist in my life, but whenever I sit down to write, they vanish.

All I have is some curtains and a tv.

This will pass. I take comfort in knowing that all writers go through this. Surely even J.K. Rowling has her off days. Heck, how long have we been waiting for the next Game of Thrones book?

The important thing is the not giving up. The perseverance to put words down anyway, even if it means writing about not being able to write about anything. After all, if I can get these words out of me, then maybe some good ones are waiting just around the corner in my brain.


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Just keep loving.

The news this weekend was difficult. I had a particularly hard time finding my sense of optimism on Saturday, but then I saw this tweet from The Bloggess, a woman who almost never fails to make me smile, and I felt the light in my heart get a bit brighter:

 

And she’s right. It seems that the jerks are the loudest in the room right now. But I want the change that. So, taking more notes from the fabulous Bloggess, I’m going to make a point today and for as long as I can to be Furiously Happy. To be Deafeningly Loving. To be Overwhelmingly Optimistic.

Because I refuse to let hate win. In fact, I refuse to let it think it even has a fighting chance.

Because just wait until you see what Love can do.


In other news, here is yesterday’s #SundaySupdate video! The video got really laggy at some points and I’m not sure why, but the audio seemed to be doing just fine for the whole thing, so… hopefully all issues will be cleared next week. Enjoy!

 


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

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Just… keep me out of the kitchen.

So last night, The Mr and I were discussing our plan of attack for the evening. The dogs needed to go out, our thank you cards needed to be written from the wedding, dinner needed to be made and dishes needed to be done.

The first step was easy: Take the dogs out. Done.

Then things got complicated. Neither one of us wanted to tackle the thank you cards alone and we were both hungry, but also… dishes.

So The Mr gave me two options: I could do dishes while he cooked or he could do dishes while I cooked.

We all know that I’m not a good cook at this point, but I really hate doing dishes, and The Mr really hates watching me do the dishes because he has “a system” for things and I prefer to function with… an air of spontaneity, simply just grabbing whatever dishes are closest and washing them, not at all thinking about what to wash first so that it can be used sooner or how to maximize the amount of space there is on the drying rack. Apparently this is irritating. I think it shows that I can handle whatever comes my way, but this isn’t the point of the story.

I grabbed the recipe and set to work on making two personal quiches with a side salad.

Now, it should be noted that nothing actually went wrong during the cooking process, which I think is something that deserves attention. I did not cut myself with the knife (and I had to chop and dice many things!), the fire alarm never went off, I didn’t add sugar instead of salt or anything! It was going just fine.

So remember that.

It wasn’t until the quiches were out of the oven that things went downhill. Literally.

When they came out of the oven, they were obviously very hot, which I knew and yes I used oven mitts to take them out of the oven and set them on the counter to cool, so STOP MAKING ASSUMPTIONS. I’m usually very good about using my oven mitts because, as some of you may have noticed during Sunday Supdates, my oven mitts look like bear paws and they’re amazing. PLUS, I can say that I took stuff out of the oven with my bear hands and it’s hilarious while also making me sound like a badass.

So I using my bear hands, I removed the quiches from the oven and placed them on the counter and started making the salad, assuming they would be cold enough to handle by the time I was done.

They were not.

And here is where my logic falls apart. You see, I’m usually really good about using my oven mitts, but I was really hungry by this point and I just needed to transfer the quiches to their plates, which weren’t that far away, so I was like “Instead of putting on my big, clunky bear hands again, I’ll just slide them over with a spatula. I am so smart.”

I am not smart, you guys. That quiche went down. Not only did it fall, but it, of course, landed upside-down and just splattered all over the floor, at which point I yelled “NOOOOOOOOOO” with great defiance at the universe.

The Mr: Why wouldn’t you use a pot holder??

Me: Because I had the spatula!

The Mr: Yeah, but that spatula is way too small for the — WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

What I was doing, good sir, is proving that I could do this. Yeah. I went for it with the second quiche, because I “never learn” according to some people, but you know what, dear readers? That second quiche successfully made it to its intended plate. Because I WILL NOT BE BEATEN BY A SPATULA.

Wait. That sounded weird, right? Obviously I was being figurative here – actually, no, now that I’m thinking about it, I’m being literal here too. I do not want to be beaten by anything.

We’ve reached a strange space in my brain…

Anyway, I think we’ve all learned a very valuable lesson here and that lesson is that perseverance is key. And also that maybe I should really just let The Mr handle all kitchen things from now on? But then what would happen to Sunday Supdates?


Hey! Speaking of Sunday Supdates… This Sunday is episode 2 of Sunday Supdates, but it’s only for those who sponsor me on Patreon, so if you want to participate in a fun, live Q&A with me while I cook dinner (which based on the above story, will be very entertaining), head over to the Patreon page now and sign yourself up! You can do this for as little as a dollar and in doing so, you help me continue making this stuff without needing to get advertisers or do paid content. Essentially, you help me create the things that you like that I create – and you get to chat with me, too! There’s all sorts of fun perks involved, so what are you waiting for? Join me and all of the Awkward Ambassadors!

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I went to the gym and YES I AM OKAY.

Okay so last week I posted this on Instagram:

 

Dear God, what has happened to me? #IHaveNoIdeaWhatImDoing #gym #workout

A post shared by Emelie Samuelson (@awkwardlyaliveblog) on

And I’m not going to lie, a number of concerned comments was… telling.

Everyone was all “WHY? ARE YOU OKAY? HAVE YOU BEEN BODY-SNATCHED? WHAT IS HAPPENING? WHO ARE YOU?”

Which, okay, fair enough, I’m not exactly the type of person who “works out” or is “physically fit,” so maybe these comments were justified, but the sheer number of them was, like, breath-taking! Or maybe that was the cardio? I’m not sure.

Either way, The Mr and I have willingly joined a gym and tonight I had my introductory body assessment and personal training session. I went in expecting to embarrass myself, and if you must know, I delivered.

The body assessment was interesting. I’m shorter than I thought I was, which either means I’m shrinking or I’ve been lied to. I also learned that my legs are jacked, but my arms are disturbingly weak. This was demonstrated when my trainer had me go from a plank position on my hands down to my forearms and then back up again. I imagine it was like watching a baby giraffe try and get up for the first time, but with less success.

Before we started working out, though, my trainer asked me a few questions:

Her: Okay, so I just want to have a quick chat before we get started. What is your experience with being in a gym?

Me: Basically zero. I was in marching band and I read a lot…. but I’m enthusiastic and totally not afraid to look like an idiot!

Her: Awesome! I can work with that! So, what are your goals here?

Me: To still be able to move when I’m 85, like Dick Van Dyke, but also I’d like to become a superhero, like Wonder Woman.

Her: ….Alright. Whatever it takes to keep you motivated, I guess.

Me: I suppose the Wonder Woman one is self-explanitory, but have you seen Dick Van Dyke lately? He can still do a good chunk of that physical comedy he is so well known for, and in an interview, someone was all “How do you still do it?” and he was all “I’ve just always worked out since I was in my twenties.” I admire that.

Her: That actually makes sense.

Me: Sorry. I’m a bit of a dork.

It was then that I remembered I was wearing a tank top that read “My name isn’t Luna, but I can Love Good,” so this statement was probably unnecessary.

In the end, I think she liked me, and I actually kind of know what I’m doing now. I learned that I’m good at squatting, but also that the way that I sometimes stand with my toes turned inward is bad for my hips, so… I can squat, but I can’t stand? I’m a positive person, though, so I chose to focus on the successful squatting, which led me to shout “I CAN SQUAT!” at The Mr when he and his trainer walked into the room. People stared at me. The Mr gave me a high five. He’s nice.

And I actually taught her something too! She had no idea that there were games on the rowing machine, which there totally are. You can chase fish on the screen and everything. Honestly, what did she think that machine was for?

 


In other news, the very first episode of Sunday Supdates happened last night and it was AWESOME!!! I only set off the fire alarm once!

I mention in the video that all episodes after this will only be open to my Patreon supporters (and then broadcast afterward publicly), but I think I’m going to do a public episode one Sunday a month. Anyway, here is the first episode. Enjoy (and then go sign up to be an Awkward Ambassador on Patreon!)

 


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

Posted in #SundaySupdate, Conversations, Ramblings | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Will you come hang out with me on Sunday?

I am terrified.

I’ve decided to do a live Q&A on Sunday at 5pm EST via YouTube (I’ll tweet out a link and stuff that day) and I’m so scared that no one will show up. Will you come? Basically, here is the plan:

It’s a #SundaySupdate, and I only plan on it lasting an hour. I’ll answer almost any questions you ask (books, life, dogs, math problems that I can’t solve, questionable advice, etc) and in turn we’ll get to know each other better because I don’t just want this blog to be me shouting at you guys about my weird life. I want to build community, I want to start collaborating with you all.

And if you can’t make it on Sunday, but you still have questions, you can totally submit them ahead of time. Either post them as a comment here on the blog or send them to me on Twitter or Facebook or Instagram using the hashtag #SundaySupdate.

So please? Join me on Sunday? Don’t make me into that lame kid who throws a party and then ends up sitting around squirting spray cheese into her mouth while crying and watching Planet Earth by herself because no one showed up.

To entice you a little bit, the dogs will also be there and maybe just maybe you’ll get to witness the cuteness that is them playing together.

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