I was babysitting one evening last week and things went totally fine you guys. I made dinner for the kid and he ate it and then we played some cards and then he went to bed. It all went fine.
Except I made way too much macaroni. Like…. You would have thought I was feeding a family of six. You would have been wrong because I was aiming to feed just myself and an skinny eight-year-old who also decided to have an avocado and HAD I KNOWN THAT, I WOULDN’T HAVE GIVEN HIM SO MUCH MACARONI.
Alright fine. If I’m being honest, even without the avocado, there was too much macaroni. If I’m being even a little bit more honest, I’m still a little bitter that he didn’t split the avocado with me. He didn’t even offer. Rude.
Anyway, after I put the kid to bed, I was suddenly very concerned about the mass amount of macaroni that was sitting on the kitchen counter. At first I thought “Well, I’ll just keep eating it until it’s gone,” but just the thought of trying to force that mountain of food down my throat was making me sad, which is saying something because I love macaroni. The problem was that I had already attempted to eat way more than my stomach could handle during the actual meal itself. There was just no way I could eat more before his parents came home.
That’s when I had my brilliant idea: Take the macaroni home and no one will ever know… So I put all the macaroni in a gallon-sized zip-lock bag and ran out to my car to dispose of any evidence. SUCCESS!!!
A few hours later, I woke up to the sound of the parents’ car doors closing and immediately sat up to pretend that I was totally awake and that I totally hadn’t made a ton of macaroni. They came in, we chatted, and I played it cool. I was very impressed with myself as I sleepily drove down the street to pick up Boyfriend who was waiting for me at his apartment so that we could go and sleep at my apartment because love.
When he got into the car I said “Watch out for the macaroni.”
Me: I made too much macaroni and I was embarrassed, so I stole it all to hide the evidence. And for lunch tomorrow.
Boyfriend: Seriously? I’m sure they wouldn’t have minded that you had some macaroni leftover…
Me: It was A LOT of macaroni.
Boyfriend: Why did you make so much macaroni?
Me: IT JUST POURED OUT SO QUICKLY.
And here’s where things get weird, you guys.
The next morning I was getting ready for work and just before I left, I was all “Oh!! I almost forgot my macaroni!” So I ran to the fridge and looked.
Me: Um… where’s my macaroni?
Boyfriend: Excuse me?
Me: My macaroni. I did bring it in last night, right? It’s not still in the car?
Boyfriend: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: My macaroni! Remember?
I proceeded to act out the conversation from last night.
Boyfriend: I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.
Me: What? Yes you do.
Boyfriend: I promise you that I don’t. You’re also going to be late for work.
Boyfriend calmly guiding me towards the car: Come on. We’ll find this “macaroni” when we get home.
And you know what? We never did. WE NEVER FOUND THE MACARONI.
This can only mean that one of us has amnesia OR that one of us is sleep-eating. Or sleep-hiding food. Either way, I’m incredibly concerned and entirely mystified.