It Was Either Murder… Or a Really Disappointing Birthday…

Okay, so I had to share this with you guys.

As many of you know, I live in Suburbia. The crime rate here is pretty darn low. Well, every now and again something weird pops up among the sprinkling of noise complaints and DUI’s (or as they’re now referred to as “OVI’s”, which I think sounds way too much like “ova” and then I’m even more grossed out by drunk drivers…), like someone will murder his wife with a baseball bat in the garage and then call the cops on himself, but that’s a real rarity. Usually, the cops are pretty bored.

I figure that they have to get a good laugh sometimes, though, because when I read the police blotter in our town, I can’t help but burst into a fit of giggles.

For example, I read this one the other day:

A caller told police on Saturday around 3:30 pm

that a black garbage bag on Suburbia Road, near the railroad tracks,

appeared to contain a “human torso.”

Police found the bag, which contained balloons.

Okay, let’s break this down here for a second. This caller obviously must have seen this bag, and not from a far distance, either, to assume that it had a human torso (not a whole body, people, just THE TORSO) in it. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but human torsos weigh a lot more than balloons, right? I’m not making that up, am I?

So here’s what I’m picturing… the caller sees this bag of Human Torso and is all “OH MY GOD, DEAD BODIES!” so they call the cops. The cops are probably like “OH FINALLY!! DEAD BODIES IN SUBURBIA!” and then they rush over to the railroad tracks to be all “WE HAVE A MURDER CASE PEOPLE!!”

The caller is probably all “I’VE SEEN DEXTER! I KNOW WHAT TORSOS IN GARBAGE BAGS LOOK LIKE! I’M A HERO!!!”

And then the police arrive at the railroad tracks. They see the bag. They’re getting ready to block off the area as a crime scene – one of them even has his roll of yellow caution tape at the ready, and he’s getting antsy.

With his gun drawn, one of the police officers starts inching towards this bag. Just then, a gentle breeze comes through and the bag starts to glide towards him.

EVERYONE SCREAMS!!! GHOST TORSO!!! NOOOOOO!

They all begin to shoot at the bag and that’s when they hear the popping, and they see the garbage bag, now full of bullet holes, start to deflate.

One of the police officers is all “Aw man! You guys, it’s just a freakin’ bag of balloons…” And then all the cops get super sad and mosey on back to their cop cars to go back to the station and pout. The eager guy with the caution tape starts rolling it all back up again, and everyone is sad.

Okay, so there’s a distinct possibility that this is not at all what happened, but I’m only going off of what they told us in the police blotter, so I have to fill in a lot of the holes, you guys, and I’m pretty sure that my scenario is definitely the most likely one, so…

Also, I think I’ve found my true calling for writing anti-climactic crime television.

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16 Responses to It Was Either Murder… Or a Really Disappointing Birthday…

  1. Sadly, there really was a murder two blocks from me two nights ago. I wish I lived in Suburbia!

  2. BecauseCylons says:

    I know what to get you for your birthday now. REAL CRIME! A REAL TORSO!

  3. filbio says:

    Haha! This was too funny. Can you also imagine how bored the mall cops must be out there?

  4. Thanks for the giggle. I loved your line about the person watching Dexter and knowing what a torso looks like! So nice to find your blog via SITS!! I will be making this a regular stop from now on!

  5. That sounds like my neighborhood….I am definitely going to start paying more attention to the police blotter. I wish there versions was as much fun as yours! Visiting from SITS.

  6. Roxie says:

    The real crime is that someone lost balloons! Baaaaaaaallooooooooooooooons!!!

  7. Roshni says:

    That is really funny!! I can quite imagine their disappointment! 🙂 Yeah, and some kids’ too!!

  8. Carrie Bird says:

    Umm I think it’s pretty safe to say that your hypothesis is probably EXACTLY how it went down. And if those cops didn’t get a good laugh I did! I legitimately LOL’d.
    I made my best friend call 911 once because there was an insanely strong oder in her apartment – it had to be a dead neighbor.
    The 911 lady agreed! She was totally egging us on, “People die every day and sometimes we just don’t find them until they smell.”
    So we’re like YES, IT’S DEATH FOR SURE! We were even Tweeting about finding a dead body, like Stand By Me. Anyway, 4 cop cars show up and these dudes were NOT at all amused when they figured out it was just a REALLY dirty apartment behind hers…
    Ohz Wellz – better safe than sorry! They called the maintenance man and made him throw a couple of smelly good bombs in there so there was a happy but not so exciting end to the story.

    • Hahaha, can you imagine how embarrassing that must have been for the guy living there?? “Excuse me, sir, but your home smells like death. So much so that we need to investigate.” OMG what if he was actually hiding a dead body!?!?! I SMELL MURDER, WATSON!

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