I’m probably going to go to jail soon.

I am obsessed with a guy at my gym. Not in like a creepy sexual way, but in just a fascination way, because he looks exactly like Drake.

 

via GIPHY

And I’m pretty sure his name is Jake. At least I think it is. The Mr said he overheard him introduce himself to someone as “Jake,” but now that I’m thinking about it, The Mr might just be saying that to mess with me because he knows how obsessed with this guy I’ve become.

And it’s not like I think looking like Drake is a bad thing. I don’t even know that much about Drake other than the fact that he dances poorly with great confidence (something we have in common) and that he was on that one show in Canada and also that he was hilarious on SNL, and that a very tiny version of him sits on stuff on the Tonight show, and I think he was dating or is dating Rihanna maybe? Oh my gosh, why do I know so much about Drake?? I can’t even name one of his songs… I would love to blame magazines from grocery store checkout lines, but I don’t even go to grocery stores because they give me anxiety, so HOW HAS THIS HAPPENED? AM I CHUCK?

 

via GIPHY

Wait, where was I going with this again? Oh right, Drake/Jake at my gym. Or rather, my obsession with Drake/Jake at my gym. There are many issues arising from this situation:

  1. I am bad at creeping on people with any sort of discretion. I blatantly stare and sometimes I make noises without realizing I’m making them and it’s all very “that mouth breather from Hey Arnold!”
  2. Because I’m bad at creeping, I get noticed fairly easily, and getting noticed by a guy at the gym for staring at him can only lead to him thinking that I’m crushing on him, which would be very bad considering:
    • I AM MARRIED. TO A MAN WHO GOES TO THE GYM WITH ME.
    • This could possibly lead to interacting with a random human at the gym, which is NOT on my list of workout goals. And talking to him could lead to:
      • “Oh I’m not checking you out. I’m just staring at you because you look like you’re trying WAY too hard to look like Drake and this fascinates me,” which I’m pretty sure is an unacceptable way to say hello?
  3. Restraining orders are inevitable.

All of this explains why I haven’t managed to get a photo of Drake/Jake yet, but now that I’ve written/talked about him so much, I feel like I need to take one so that everyone can see what I’m dealing with. This is the closest I’ve gotten:

UPDATE: I just noticed that it totally looks like Drake/Jake is doing the Matrix bullet dodge move. Or falling. But I’m pretty sure he’s doing one of those weird sit-up on a giant bouncy ball moves.


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2 Responses to I’m probably going to go to jail soon.

  1. Fina-fuckin-ly somebody gets it! I’ve been going about telling people that there is a guy who would look like Alladin if Alladin were real, in my gym and I am only curious and intrigued and so I stare at him. Its not a crush or anything. NOBODY!
    I mean NOBODY gets it.

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