So, I had this plan, right? I was going to meet my best friend, marry him, and live happily ever after. All of this was supposed to happen by the age of 23. See, the original plan included me bumping into some handsome guy in a college class or in my dorm hall and we’d have some awkward interaction, followed by a series of coincidental meet-ups and hang outs, which then blossomed into something we both couldn’t ignore: Love and obvious sexual chemistry.
In my defense, I have a family with an uncanny success rate when it comes to love. Two of my siblings married their high school sweethearts, the third sibling met her husband in grad school and never looked back, and my parents, who are still happily married after almost 35 years, were engaged after 5 weeks of knowing each other, despite the fact that they lived on different continents.
So… my expectations were skewed as a child.
Me? I’m in my mid-twenties and I live with my dog on 100 acres of forestry. No husband. No boyfriend to speak of.
You see, Duckies, it turns out that life has this way of kicking your plans in the balls and then walking away without a second thought.
That whole best friend for a husband thing didn’t exactly work out, which is fine, because I actually kind of love my life right now. That being said, I’m not exactly hoping it stays exactly as it is. I mean, I still would like to meet SOMEONE.
So, what’s a girl who lives in the middle of nowhere to do?
She’s gonna fall down the rabbit hole of online dating, Duckies. And she’s gonna drag her bestie, “John Hamm,” right down with her.
That’s right: We went boy shopping. Let’s be honest, folks, that’s what online dating really is. I sift through profiles like their on the clearance rack at Target: “Ugly… ugly… ugly… oh this is cute… oh, no… way too small*… Nice, but not my style…”
*I’m referring to his HEIGHT. Get your head out of the gutter.
So last night, after some wine for me and lots of coffee for John Hamm (she’s studying for law school finals), we ventured deep into the Internet… and this is what we found (and then shared on Facebook for all of our friends to see… – Hi Mom!):
John Hamm’s Facebook Status: Late night coffee and helping Emelie boy shop on the Internet. I’m super high on caffeine and judging people.
Me: There are so many unfortunate people on the Internet.
- “Pixie Stick”: I mean, that’s how I met mine. You’d better start posting hilarious quotes asap.
- Me: Pixie Stick – so many dead fish.
- Me: “Oooooh.. he’s cute. WAIT. 5’7″. HARD PASS.”
- JH: “I’m just saying, if he uses the word ‘loquacious’ in his profile, he’s probably a tool.”
- Me: “He owns his own clothing line and has a neck tattoo. Total winner.”
- PS: … From now on, just assume that I “like” every quote you post.
- PS: Oh, I think I know that neck tat/clothing guy ….. wait, maybe there’s more than one of them out there. God help us.
- Me: “This guy started out seeming nerdy and sweet… now that I’m looking at his profile in more detail, I’m realizing he might be a murderer.”
- Me: “Okay, this guy seems like a tool, but he has a Husky and it’s wearing a fedora… can I use this site to meet people’s dogs?”
- JH: I just found a guy who looks like a cross between Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaghey, it’s like the cast of True Detective got together and had a baby.”
- Me: “LADIESMAN646 IS LOOKING AT MY PROFILE”
- JH: I’m thinking about creating a fake profile and just calling it “Catfish” because this site keeps cock-blocking me.
- Me: Whaaaat? This guy’s favorite book is Mansfield Park?
JH: No. False. No man’s favorite book is Mansfield Park
- Me: He’s kind of cute. I mean… I wouldn’t kick him out of bed…
JH: Mostly because that’s a rude thing to do.