IKEA’s Match-making Services

So I just had a couch delivered to my apartment. It’s a pretty big deal, since I’ve never actually purchased furniture before. My furniture acquiring skills previously included “Hey! Bring your truck. I just found a mattress on the street and it’s super comfortable.”

The economy sucks and I’m in my twenties, don’t judge me.

Anyway, the couch just arrived and it looks like this:

photoImpressive, right?

I’m currently awaiting the most testosterone-filled person I know to show up and help me assemble this in exchange for beer. Call me a shitty feminist, but for those of you who know me, this is the smartest way for me to go about this. Just because I’m female doesn’t mean I’m weak, but I am Emelie Samuelson, so I will find a way to screw this up and then I’ll end up just sitting on a pile of IKEA cushions with no identifiable structure.

Anyway,  after the couch showed up and I thanked the delivery guys (was I supposed to tip them? I never know how to do that), I got a phone call. It was a lovely and slow-speaking robotic woman asking me if I would be willing to answer a few yes or no questions about my delivery. I’ve got nothing but time and I’m pretty lonely, so I said yes.

Robot: Did you receive a phone call from the delivery team to say they were on their way? Press 1 for “yes” and 2 for “no.”

I pressed 1

Robot: Did the delivery team arrive within the time-frame you were told? Press 1 for “yes” and 2 for “no.”

I pressed 1

Robot: Did you like the appearance of your delivery team? Press 1 for “yes” and 2 for “no.”

Me: Um… What? Did I like the appearance of my delivery team? Are you asking me if I thought they were hot? I mean… not really, but they didn’t scare me or anything… so…. sure?

Robot: Would you invite the delivery team back to your home? Press 1 for “yes” and 2 for “no.”

Me: Excuse me?! I barely know them! I mean, sure I let them in this one time, but they had a couch! My couch, in fact! I’m not exactly ready to ask them to stay for dinner. What are you even saying, IKEA robot? Do my give off that strong of a vibe of loneliness? I did not agree to a match-making service when I asked for this couch. Was I supposed to invite these guys to stay? You know what, whatever, sure. They seemed nice. I’ll just press 1. Send ’em on over.

Robot: Did the package arrive to you undamaged? Press 1 for “yes” and 2 for “no.”

I pressed 1.

 

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3 Responses to IKEA’s Match-making Services

  1. Rachel says:

    This is marvelous. I’m now highly interested in ordering something from Ikea.

  2. Phil says:

    Just wait until you order something from Bob’s Furniture. They cook dinner for you and bring a massage table!

  3. Jean says:

    Love it :)… And I love those awkward IKEA greetings. I suspect what is going on is that’s their more passive-aggressive, PC way of making sure the delivery person was not rude, aggressive or scary.

    That doesn’t put your feminism into question. Delegation and knowing one’s strengths are imperative skills in the real world. So, yeah. Jean for president.

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