For some reason, I’ve been thinking a lot about when John Hamm, Lemon, and I used to write these ridiculous diary posts about our now former co-worker, Greg. He was the best… And then he ran away
because having girls stalk you and publish that on the internet is weird for some unknown reason.
Anyway, I’ve gained a lot of new followers in the recent past WHICH IS FRACKING AWESOME, but when I realized that many of you may not have actually gotten to experience the glory that is Dear Diary: Greg, it made me sad. So, here’s a throwback. Just for you.
One of my jobs is as a hostess at a swanky wine bar (frightened by the fact that they let me be the welcoming face of a fancy restaurant? I understand.) A few of my friends who work there started a game with one of our chefs, Greg – or rather, about him. Real quick, let me describe Greg: Greg is tall. Greg has tattoos. Greg wears the same hat every day.
You see, our lunch hostess, “Lemon”, and my best friend, who has requested to be referred to as “John Hamm” in this blog, were working the lunch shift. Let me explain how boring the lunch shift can be: soooooooooooooooooo boring. If you are ever stuck working said shift (as Lemon and my best friend John Hamm usually are) you must find a way to entertain yourself.
On this particular day, Lemon had been writing in her notebook. What she was writing is not important, but Greg walked by and had to ask…
Greg: What’s that, your diary?
Lemon: Yup. I’m writing about you. “Dear Diary: Greg is so tall…”
Then Greg laughed like he didn’t care and kept on walking (At least this is what I imagine he did. I wasn’t there, so I have to go with my gut on this one). Lemon and John Hamm, however, just realized that they had discovered a new game – and thus “Dear Diary Greg” was born.
I eventually started contributing as well, though I must say that most of the classics come from John Hamm and Lemon. After many weeks of humoring ourselves and making Greg feel uncomfortable, he has given me permission to publish all of our diary entries here on the internet for all of you to read…even though he has no idea what any of them are.
Here are the best of the “Dear Diary Greg” entries that we have come up with… enjoy!
Dear Diary: I had a dream that Greg couldn’t say the number 3. What does it mean, Diary?
Dear Diary: I had a dream that Greg wore a cape and had whisks for hands. What does it mean?
Dear Diary: I just watched Greg tear a box in half with his bare hands! He’s so strong!
Dear Diary: I just watched Greg twist the heads off lobsters. Should I find this strangely erotic, Diary?
Dear Diary: Greg just called me weird. … Do you think it means he loves me?
Dear Diary: What would mine and Greg’s kids look like? Would they be born with hats and tattoos?
Dear Diary: Greg came into work mildly grumpy today. I hope everything is ok. Should I send him an edible arrangement?
Dear Diary: A customer came in tonight with a hat just like Greg’s! Could there be two of them, Diary?!
Dear Diary: Do you think Greg has an entire closet full of the same hat?
Dear Diary: Do you think Greg’s hat gives him superpowers? Or do they just come naturally?
Dear Diary: Do you think Greg hides things under his hat? Maybe a pet marmoset?
Dear Diary: Do you think Greg would wear a grey hat if I bought him one? Or is it too edgy for him?
Dear Diary: Should I start calling him Gregory? Could it be our thing?
Dear Diary: I wonder where Greg got his tattoos done. Maybe he just willed them into existence?
Dear Diary: Do you think Greg’s tattoos are sentient?
Dear Diary: I had a dream that Greg fought crime on the back of a flying, sassy camel. What does it mean?
Dear Diary: I had a dream that Greg assaulted 80s screen idol Eric Stoltz with a sack of cupcakes. What does it mean?
Dear Diary: I had a dream that Greg was in the brat pack classic “St. Elmo’s Fire.” He played every role. What does it mean?
Dear Diary: I dreamed Greg was Jareth in a Spanish reenactment of “Labyrinth.” It was rather disturbing, Diary. What do you think it means?
Dear Diary: I had a dream that I was snuggling with hundreds of puppies, but they were all wearing Greg’s hat with ear holes and they had puppy tattoos just like his! Do you think this means that Greg likes to snuggle, Diary?
Dear Diary: Greg’s mean. >:(
Dear Diary: Greg apologized. He’s so sweet, Diary… 🙂
Dear Diary: Greg wasn’t at work today… Do you think he’s sick? Should I bring him some homemade soup or are we not there yet? What do you think, Diary?
Dear Diary: Greg thought I was mad at him today even though I wasn’t. Does this mean he loves me, Diary???
Dear Diary: Did you know that Greg lives on top of cupcakes?? He’s so cool…
Dear Diary: Greg asked me a question today and I answered him. It was awesome.
Think you can come up with some more Dear Diary, Greg classics??? Post them in the comments box for all of us to enjoy!!