You’ve all met Apollo, right? He doesn’t get Harry Potter, but he gets me Harry Potter things? Yeah, that guy.
So recently, he tried to tell me that he was adventurous. I did two things: First, I laughed so hard I cried, and then I proceeded to relay this information to our two friends John Hamm and Kelloggs.
Needless to say, we had a field day.
Maybe there are a few things I should make clear about Apollo: He’s 23, has a real job, and has never done a darn thing without some serious planning, budgeting, and cost-benefit analysis. In other words, he is nowhere near adventurous.
However, we didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so we decided to treat him like the badass he is.
That’s when John Hamm and I got beer, pizza, and pulled out our “Diary”.
P.S. Sorry, Lemon, we’ll get you next time.
Dear Diary: I’m worried about Apollo. He has a steady job and insists on going to bed at a reasonable hour. Should I be reading up on the implications of thrill seeking behavior?
Dear Diary: I think things are getting worse. All of his shirts are collared button ups. How can I turn him away from this dangerous path, Diary?
Dear Diary: I’m thinking of having an intervention for Apollo. Is it possible to get his friends and family together to talk to him about the dangers of financial stability at age 23?
Dear Diary: Apollo has been adhering to his auditor contract and not making friends at work. Should I be worried that he’s too rebellious against social norms, Diary?
Dear Diary: This is getting to be too much. How can I get through to him when he’s falling asleep at 9:30 to an episode of Two and a Half Men? He’s going to get himself killed, Diary!!!
Dear Diary: It’s official: He’s too much of a thrill seeker. He’s re-watching BSG for the 17th time this year and eating takeout alone.
Dear Diary: He’s reading books. I feel so helpless to stop this downward spiral.
Dear Diary: Apollo is too crazy for me. He had one beer at the bar the other night, then left saying he had an early morning. Too much to handle!
Dear Diary: Apollo is really starting to scare me. He hasn’t texted me all day, and then he told me it was because he was at work… What the heck does that mean, Diary?!?
Dear Diary: Do you think that Apollo is lashing out against his white-bread middle class upbringing?
Dear Diary: I saw Apollo pet a Golden Retriever the other day, and then told the owner that he can’t wait to get one once he has a family with old enough children to be responsible enough to care for it. He’s so unpredictable and spontaneous, Diary!!!
Dear Diary: Is khaki a new gang fad? I’m worried, Diary….
Dear Diary: Apollo was telling us stories once about when he was an RA and used to bust 20-year-olds for drinking. He’s so crazy, Diary…
Dear Diary: Apollo knows all the words to “Somebody I Used to Know” by Gotye. Obviously, his partying is getting out of control, Diary.
Dear Diary: I just found a childhood photo of Apollo wearing a Cosby sweater! He was clearly a trouble from the start, Diary.
Dear Diary: Just found evidence of Apollo’s listening to country music – that’s the stuff that leads to the unholiest of sins, Diary!!
Dear Diary: I saw that Apollo has circular accent mirrors in his apartment. Do you think that’s a sign to other junkies of what drugs he does?
Dear Diary: Apollo just told me I should watch Downton Abbey. Oh, THE HORRORS, DIARY!!!!!
Dear Diary: Maybe I should have seen all of this coming when he revealed his lack of Potter knowledge a few weeks ago? I know I shouldn’t blame myself, but I’m so ashamed I didn’t figure this out before it was too late, Diary…
|Apollo, please don’t kill us! Also, there’s your very first view of John Hamm, readers!|