So, last weekend I went with my other best friend, Gumby, to a wedding. Normally, this would not be a weird story. One would assume that there was a lady in a white dress, a dude who kissed that lady, and then dancing. That’s the general formula, right? Right. Add in a castle in the middle of nowhere, an open bar, and some zombies, and now we’re talking.
I’m serious, folks. There were Zombies at this wedding. Why? Because this couple got married on World Zombie Day, which is totally a thing and I don’t understand why it’s not more of a celebration because ZOMBIES. Anyway, let me take you through the wedding day.
Conversation with my mother before I left:
Me: Alright, Mom, I’m heading out. The wedding is in a valley about an hour and a half away and I don’t think I’ll have cell service, so if I don’t text you when I get there, don’t freak out.
Mom: Okay, do you have every thing you need?
Mom: Sexy underwear?
Mom: Do you want to borrow some of mine?
Me: MOM!!! NO! BAD MOM!! GAH!!!
So then we get there, and we get ushered in by zombies, which was awesome. The wedding was lovely and super cute. And then we went into the reception and things became even more awesome. Not just because they sat us RIGHT NEXT TO THE OPEN BAR, but also because there was a Zombie Cake and an IV pouch full of
fruit punch blood, which was delicious. I so wish I had more pictures, but since there was no cell service, I didn’t bring my phone, so the only picture I have is this one from the photo booth:
Image 1: We’re all drinking “The Virus”
Image 2: We feel weird.
Image 3: We’re snorting our party favors: TEST TUBES FULL OF BATH SALTS.
Image 4: Well… you get it.
We actually took a ton of these photo booth pictures, but after this they get mildly embarrassing and should not be shared with the world. Why you ask? Well, these conversations I had at the bar:
Me: Can I have a vodka tonic, please?
Bartender: Sure, but I ran out of limes.
Me: Oh, lots of people ordering that drink, I see. Haha
Bartender: Nope… just you.
*Side note: Bartenders should not be allowed to judge people. Especially at weddings, GOSH.
And then this one:
My friend, “Cat”: What are you getting?
Me: Probably another vodka tonic.
Cat: Hm… I think we should do something we’re gonna regret.
Me: What do you have in mind?
Cat: TWO SHOTS OF JOSE CUERVO, PLEASE!
Cat: To Mistakes!
A conversation about an ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend who also attended the wedding:
Gumby: Oh, I forgot my ex is in the wedding party…
Me: That’s awkward…
Cat: Oh, look, there’s her new boyfriend!
Me: Is that… a mohawk?
Cat: Oh my gosh… it totally is.
Gumby: I’m feeling good right now.
Cat: Oh my gosh, I’m not going to be able to stop looking at that mohawk all night.
Gumby: Well, that will become obvious.
Me: Not if we’re smart about it.
Cat: Yeah. I feel like we should name it… Like…
Cat: Aw, Stanley! I like it.
and then after the ceremony…
Bridesmaid: Have you met Gumby’s ex’s new boyfriend?
Bridesmaid: No… Derek.
Me: Riiiiight… “Derek.”
When waving goodbye to the bride and groom as they went off in their horse drawn carriage:
Me: Aw, it’s like waving goodbye to the Titanic!
Gumby: Oh my gosh, Emelie, why would you say that??!?
Me: What? … OH NO! I didn’t mean it in a “they’re doomed” kind of way! I was referring to the scene at the beginning of the movie when they’re all waving goodbye to the people who aren’t on the boat and everyone’s all “OMG THIS IS SO EXCITING!” You know, when they’re oblivious to the whole “they’re about to sink to their deaths thing.”
So basically, I learned the following things:
- Zombies are totally cool to have at weddings when the right people are around.
- Never refer to The Titanic in any romantic situation, but especially right after a wedding ceremony.
- If you ever need to talk about someone while they’re right next to you, just call them Stanley, so that they’ll have no idea. Unless they’re name is actually Stanley. Then you’re kind of screwed.
- And, most vital of all things… Get seated next to the open bar. Trust me. The judgement that you get from the bartender – NO MATTER HOW UNDESERVED IT IS, BEVERLY – will be totally worth it… especially when she asks “Are you driving?” and you can look her dead in the eye and whisper, “No.”