So, as some of you know, John Hamm and I are spending the weekend in Virginia, visiting Apollo because he has no friends and needs some cheering up/socializing. I’m going to be writing all of this off as charity on my taxes – don’t worry. (Since he’s an auditor and he’s the guy that figured out my budget, I thought he would be proud of me for this, but instead he just looked at me like I was some kind of jerk and told me to shut up.)
Alright, so before I even made it to Virginia I had a plethora of awkward conversations. This is just my life. So… Here is the series of my awkwardness on the nine hour drive from Ohio to Virginia with John Hamm while constantly texting Apollo:
Time and space is where you really lose me:
Me: Is there a time difference between here and Virginia?
Apollo: What? No! You’re going East!
Apollo: That’s why it’s called “Eastern Standard Time”, Emelie. Because everyone on the East is on the same time…
Me: Well, I don’t know… I’m really bad at geography. I don’t know where things are or how time works…
A road trip without goldfish is a colossal sin:
John Hamm: We’ve been on the road for two and a half hours and we don’t have any goldfish.
Me: …That’s so wrong…
John Hamm: Totally wrong…
Side note: We never got goldfish. I’m still upset. We got Bugels, which I discovered that I do not enjoy… however I ate the entire bag. John Hamm is still judging me for that.
I have no attention span:
John Hamm: So, I was talking to <insert co-worker’s name here> and I can’t believe that –
Me: LOOK AT THAT HILL!!! IT’S SO GREEN!!!
John Hamm: Yeah…
We all have awesome mothers:
Me: We’re on our way!!
Apollo: Good! Drive fast. Safe, but faaaaaaassttt!
Me: My mom said “no rush rush.” You think I’m kidding. I’m not. She legit said “no rush rush.”
Apollo: Whaaaat? Our parents are different.
Me: Apparently my mother gets very anxious when her children take long road trips and feels the need to pretend we’re two years old and preparing ourselves for a ride in our Barbie car.
Apollo: Well my mom’s the same way. Cut the umbilical cord, am I right?!?!
Me: Seriously – John Hamm’s got a case of the mom, too. Her mom gave us paper maps of Virginia and one of DC and its surrounding 50 miles. We have awesomely adorable mothers.
Apollo turns into a southerner and calls me a racist:
Apollo: So, your ETA is probs between 6 and 7. Yeehaw!!
Me: Stop being southern.
Apollo: I don’t know what yer talkin’ ’bout there, Miss Emelie.
Me: We will turn this car around!
Me: …what did we learn?
Apollo: That you racist.
Me: False. I can say that stuff because my sister and her family are southerners.
Virginia is for boob-lovers:
Before I start this, everyone should know what the state flag of Virginia looks like:
Me: WE’RE IN VIRGINIA!!!
Me: Why have I not seen Lady Liberty’s breast yet?!?!?
Apollo: Have you seen the flag?
Me: No. I’m disappointed.
Apollo: Well, wait until you do.
Me: I’m just saying that I feel like I should have seen it right at the state line.
Apollo: Does Ohio have flags at all of their state lines?
Me: Ohio’s state flag isn’t worthy of presentation. It’s Ohio.
Apollo: It’s uniquely shaped!!
Me: You’re uniquely shaped.
We make Apollo think we’re outlaws:
Me: WE’RE RUNNING FROM THE COPS!!! THELMA AND LOUISE!!!!
Apollo: Wait, what? Don’t get pulled over.
Me: Don’t worry. We lost ’em. They’re pretty easy to fool down here! 🙂
Apollo: You are so naive.
Me: Just because you can’t outwit the cops doesn’t mean you have to be rude. John Hamm does not appreciate your tone.
Apollo: Well, I don’t appreciate outlaws.
Me: You said to “drive faaaaassstttt!”
Apollo: But safe!!
Me: We didn’t get caught, did we? Jeeze, what’s your problem?
Apollo: Listen, Jokey Jokester, I was joking around.
Me: Calm down, grandpa. So was I. The cop was only there for like two seconds and probably wasn’t after us – and if he was, he gave up real fast and John Hamm and I just cannot respect that in a person.
Apollo: Hahaha omg a cop actually chased you? I thought you were kidding! That’s so hardcore.
I decided to just end the conversation there and let him figure it out on his own that I was kidding – or not and he’d go on thinking that we were just that badass. It’s better this way.
And then I caught Butt AIDS:
I sent the exact same thing to both Apollo and my boyfriend, Dragon:
Me: I might have just caught Butt AIDS
Dragon: From what?
Me: Well, we stopped for gas and a potty break. I really had to pee so I went inside and found the indoor restroom. It smelled like a Porta Potty (what is the proper spelling?) and someone either had just puked or had explosive diarrhea in there, difficult to tell which. Like I said, I really had to pee, so, obviously, I tried to protect my butt by lining the seat with toilet paper, but right as I sat down, said toilet paper fell in. Now I have Butt AIDS.
Dragon did not respond. He knows me well enough to know when not to perpetuate things. I love him.
Once we arrived, Apollo immediately gave us hugs and beer in chilled glasses. And then we went to Toby Keith’s bar. There is an entire post about that coming soon, because it deserves it. I have a letter that I wrote to Toby in my drunken state. It’s amazing.