And Then My Mom Gave Me “Medical” Advice.

So, last night I was wearing a skirt while a few of us were sitting outside on the patio, drinking some wine and enjoying a fire. It was actually quite a lovely evening, especially since it was the first time in weeks that it wasn’t 90 degrees in the shade.

Anyway, not the point.

Like I said, I was wearing a skirt. There were tons of mosquitos, so I grabbed some bug spray and covered myself. Like a normal human being, however, I didn’t spray up my skirt. This might have been my first mistake.

Now, before you all start getting gross, no I don’t have bug bites on my hooch. Get your minds out of that gutter.

do, however, have a shit-ton of bug bites on the back of my upper thigh.

THIS. IS. UNBEARABLE. You should know right now that I’m not one of those people who is all “Just don’t itch it! Ignore it!” I’m more of a “GOOD GOD GET ME SOME STEAL WOOL TO GO AT THIS BABY” type of person.

I discovered this terrible case of awful this morning, when I woke up and was all “WHAT THE ACTUAL FRAK?!”

I stayed with my parents last night, so I came downstairs and was all “MOOOOMMMM!!!” because even when you’re a grown-ass adult, you revert back to your childlike ways when staying in your childhood home.

Anyway, I showed my mom the archipelago of itchy terror that had formed on my body…

Mom: Good lord!!

Me: Is it bad?

Mom: What did you do?!?

Me: I don’t know! Apparently bugs find me delicious…

Mom: Oh my gosh…

Me: Stop saying that!!

Mom: Let me go get some cream or something…

Me: Hurry… I can actually see them changing back and forth from red to white… What if I’m infected with some mutation? Mom!! I could be a superhero!!

No response.

Mom: Okay, put this on there. Seriously, what the heck did this?

Me: I don’t know.

Mom: Did that help with the itching?

Me: Yeah, I think so…

Mom: Okay, well just keep an eye on it.

Me: How? It’s not exactly in an easy location.

Mom: Well… every once in a while, just spread your legs and have a look.

Me: …You really need to start thinking before you speak.

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43 Responses to And Then My Mom Gave Me “Medical” Advice.

  1. gretchenduhaime says:

    That’s the worst! Hope they go away soon

  2. Hobby says:

    OH My Gosh! Poor dear… I hope you find some relief. Try some hand sanitizer. 🙂

  3. filbio says:

    Ha! Your mom’s last line there made me laugh. Hope it all clears up soon. The itching would drive me nuts too!

  4. xaenafew says:

    LOL! Your mom sounds fun!
    I am so sorry this happened to you but I am secretly glad – not such a secret now 😉 – that I’m not the only one 😀 Mosquitoes find me delicious too. Whenever I’m out, they find me and regardless of how many people there are, I’m always their target of choice. And the others usually don’t feel a thing.

  5. Robyn says:

    However awkwardly phrased (and since she is your mom, that seems fitting), it is pretty good advice. On several levels . . .

  6. Terrible! I’m so sorry. I fucking hate mosquito bites. I like to itch like crazy and then I go mad.

  7. Jen says:

    I love the ridiculous things moms say. I say that to my mom, out loud, all of the time. However, she wasn’t wrong, and she didn’t have an audience, so there’s that! Loser mosquitos.

  8. It is winter here, which means no bastard mosquitoes, which is a good thing. I hate them. Hope your legs are feeling better soon! P.S. New follower, just sayin’ hi 🙂

  9. That happened to me except it was bull ants and I was about to give birth to my fifth child. The obstetrician didn’t say anything when he saw but I’m sure he was curious.

  10. Roxie says:

    I wish we could kill all mosquitos, everywhere!

  11. smackofhamblog says:

    Mothers can be awkward. I recall camping as a child with some friends. We were sitting around the campfire when the fire “popped” and an ember flew directly into the shorts of a buddy, who was sitting “pretzel style” facing the fire. The ember scored a direct hit into his nether region and he jumped up, screaming and shouting. Of course, we all thought it was a hoot and laughed uproariously – it was only topped by the sight of his mother following after him offering to “rub some cream on it.”

  12. Roshni says:

    Ouch! I can quite relate to your misery…and also, about the embarrassing mom talk too! 😀

  13. You just made me crack up!! Ah, well, she’s mum!!

  14. Rich Rumple says:

    I remember a time, long ago, where the afternoon sun had the advantage of warming my entire body after a special session with a great person. We were exhausted and quickly both fell asleep as the rays soothed our aching muscles. An hour or so later, we both awoke … burned to a crisp in areas that shouldn’t be burned to a crisp. Explaining to her mother her plight, I was immediately banned from her home. The worst part came a day or two later with the peeling and itching. I feel your pain! Good Luck!

  15. mrsthaywood says:

    Haha! That is definitely something only a Mom could say!!!

  16. Katie E says:

    Hahaha…I’m the same way with my bug bites. My husband stupidly tells me to just not scratch them, as though that’s possible. I got so many this week I can’t stand it. I told my family I was going to die. And my daughter asked me to wait until she gets back from her trip to New York 🙂

  17. Kristen says:

    Oh I hate mosquito bites! And mosquitoes really love me. So then I sit there and scratch and scratch and scratch and my husband says, “Stop scratching. You’re only making it worse. Just ignore it” No. Trying to ignore it will only drive me insane.

  18. Stacey says:

    OMG…that last line cracked me up! But I can only imagine how horrible those itchy bites feel 🙁

  19. MamaRabia says:

    I hate mosquitoes!! Is it wrong to be secretly a bit happy that the darn things prefer my daughter to me? She gets eaten alive now!

  20. ttoombs08 says:

    Now we know where you get your incredible humor and talent from! LOL Loved this! When is your mom guest posting on your blog? LOL

    Sorry I’m tardy making it here from the Humor Me! Blog Hop. Life and all that… 😀

  21. Pingback: Help Me, Duckies. You’re My Only Hope. | Awkwardly Alive and Pleasantly Peculiar

  22. lisanewlin says:

    Did you allow her to follow up with a check up? I hope it was covered by your HMO.

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