And Then I Played LIFE and Became a Drug-Addicted Superstar with a Killing Problem.

So, here it is, FINALLY. My Game of Life Story.

If you missed the past two posts, go check them out, but here’s a basic recap: When I play the Game of Life, I make everyone write their “Life” story during the game. It usually turns out hilarious. Especially when wine is involved.

I was also a blue dude for this game, so get ready.

Meet Emelio, duckies.

Coming from nothing, I got a part-time job as a nude model on campus to pay my way through college. Through this lucrative career, I met many exciting friends. They took my innocence in many ways and eventually convinced me to blow all my earnings on a trip to Miami Beach. This was serendipitous, however, because it was here that I was discovered my MTV and was reborn a star!

I became an auto-tuned sensation, just like Ricky Martin! I was livin’ la vida loca!!

One day, though, my driver got lost while we were on tour, and I missed a huge concert. Rumors spread that I was dead – or even on drugs! My reputation was destroyed! So, I had my driver killed.

Some say that I was drunk on power (but not alcohol, and that’s the important part!), but the media knows nothing. Gerald deserved it!!

Anyway, I was checked into rehab.

Somehow, they found many illegal substances in my system. I WAS FRAMED! I SWEAR!

After my time at “High Today, Not Tomorrow” I went on an anti-drug tour and gained my stardom back. It was exhausting (especially without cocaine).

But then… came the day… of the Flat Tire.

Because of the withdrawals I was experiencing from being falsely accused of using drugs, I couldn’t handle the stress… so… I killed the new driver.

While hiding the body, I met a woman who offered to help. Clearly, she was the woman of my dreams. They say that you know someone truly loves you when they help you hide dead bodies without questions, right?

Her name was Penelope and she had hair like Cher. I married her on the spot, since we were in a church cemetery anyway.

Things headed south again soon, though… While booking our honeymoon, the travel agent, Frances, stole my identity! I’ll admit to being drunk/high at the time and essentially just giving her my salary. This was not wise since I was living a comfortable life with a 90k salary… and Frances was making only 30k.

Due to this dramatic change in finances, Penelope decided it was time to buy a house in the country and start leading a more quiet life.

Then we had a baby! We named him Henry!

Things were really starting to turn around! Being a family man was the greatest thing in the world for me! In fact, I impregnated Penelope again almost immediately after Henry was born! Since Penelope was so fertile, we named our new baby girl Myrtle. Get it?

When little Myrtle was born, we too the family for a charming picnic. I signed some autographs, but trouble arose when I saw my old dealer!

So, I packed the whole family up and took us to Mount Rushmore. Obviously.

The trip was so romantic in Penelope’s eyes that we got pregnant AGAIN! Jesus was born! Now that I was a father 3 times over, I thought I should learn CPR. So I did.

Penelope wanted to travel more, so we went on an African Safari for our 1 year anniversary. We still had Frances as our travel agent… Some say that this was not wise, but my sponsor was trying to get me to practice forgiveness, so…

On this trip, I wrote my memoirs, which topped the charts! People found my story to be extremely moving and full of hope. Not only was the book a huge success, but it brought light to Frances’ crimes and I got my salary back!

Finally, life was exactly how it should be! We didn’t let it get to us, though. We still had our family game nights, went hiking, helped the homeless, built better mouse traps, climbed Mount Everest, invented a new toy that made millions…. I even continued writing and wrote the Great American Novel (critics say) and won the Pulitzer Prize! As if that wasn’t enough, I ended up finding the solution to pollution, won the Nobel Peace Prize, and now I’m in retirement, but I managed to open a Health Food Chain in order to promote a better lifestyle for everyone.

Stay classy, my friends, and never give up!

 

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