So last night I was sitting at home and relaxing with some Netflix and my dog. It was perfect.
And then I went to wash my face.
“Why do my eyes look different?” I thought to myself. And then I realized that it wasn’t that my eyes look different, it’s that MY FACE IS FRAKING SWOLLEN AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY.
So, I immediately texted my mother (because that’s what you do in any emergency, and yes I count this as an emergency.), who is visiting my sister and niece in Chicago, which prompted this phone call:
Mom: What happened?
Me: I have no idea.
Mom: Is it allergies?
Me: I’ve never had an allergy! Why don’t you know that? All I did today was go to work and eat mac and cheese!
Mom: Weird… Do you have some Benadryl?
Me: No…and everything’s closed right now.
Mom: Alright, well… if it’s still like that in the morning, go get some Benadryl and go to the doctor.
Me: I don’t even know where there is a doctor… I’ve never needed one out here. I’M A CHILD.
Mom: Good God, Emelie…
Me: Anyway, how is Chicago?
Mom: Good. The baby has a fever.
Me: WE’RE DROPPING LIKE FLIES!!
Mom: Well, your sister and I are fine. We’re just hanging out and drinking wine.
Me: Oh, maybe that’s my issue. I was out of wine tonight. Maybe I’m having an allergic reaction to not having wine.
Mom: You’re out of wine?!?!
Me: I know… I have failed you.
Mom: Well, that’s obviously the problem. You need to fix that. Put that on your shopping list for tomorrow, too: Wine and Benadryl.
Sister in the background: What??? DON’T LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER!!!
Me: Mom, you give the best advice.