A Mildly Inappropriate Conversation with My Mother

Mom: I just found your old bank checks that you lost a few months ago.

Me: Seriously?! Where??

Mom: In a laundry hamper in the upstairs hall closet.

Me: Obviously.

Mom: Yeah, that makes total sense, right? I’m actually finding a lot of interesting things!

Me: Whatever it is, I’m holding it for a friend.

Mom: The packet of ribbed condoms, too? Darn, I was gonna take those! Hahaha

Me: Ew! What?!?!

Mom: They were inside a big winter glove. Probably a gag gift, right?

Me: Well, at least we know the gloves are having safe sex.

Mom: Hahaha – The poor thing doesn’t have a partner, though!

Me: Aw, so lonely! And yes, my friend gave them out as a gag gift a few years ago. I completely forgot about those.

Mom: Nice!This is the fun part about my kids moving away. I get to go through all their sh-t… Good God, how many hats did you knit?!

Me: They kept me from needing the condoms.

 

knitting

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18 Responses to A Mildly Inappropriate Conversation with My Mother

  1. Karen says:

    Oh…this is inappropriate? It sounds like the way my daughter and I talk all the time! 🙂

    Lovely to have that kind of relationship with your mum–treasure it.

  2. Rachel says:

    Last line … perfect.

  3. don says:

    Hahaha, knitting? I’m on it! Is 10 too early to get her started? Sounds like your mom sees right through your BS. I like her already.

  4. Sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your mom!

  5. Tina says:

    Hahaha! Love the blog! Hope all is well :). / Tina

  6. Ha! Love this conversation — and the fact that the glove was filled with…well…”gloves”!

  7. Xaeq says:

    LOVE, love, love the conversations you have with your mom! Like Mike in Friends says, it’s so wonderfully weird 🙂

  8. Divorced Kat says:

    This reminds me of a conversation with my mom in Disney World 2 months after I got divorced. She saw an Eeyore nightshirt and she says, “Kat! Look how cute that is! You should get it!” I say, “Mom, if I start wearing stuff like that I’m really never having sex again.” [pause] Mom responds, “Good point.” And we retreated from the sexless nightshirt!

  9. Beth Teliho says:

    OMG…hilarious! Your mom sounds like a hoot! Reminds me this weekend my mom was completely grossing me OUT. She was telling me about a free book she downloaded on her kindle that she didn’t know was “porn” (her words), and when she started reading it she was like, hmmm, *looking over at her sleeping husband thinking*, “hey, you busy?” AAAAACKKK, erase erase, erase!!!! I can’t deal with her talking about stuff like that to me. The visuals are too disturbing. I lost brain cells, I know it.

  10. Phil says:

    Ha! As the saying goes – No glove no love!

    I’m so glad I don’t discuss sex with my mom and dad. Just. No.

    I really don’t want to know what they are up to.

  11. ivette says:

    hahaha funny…
    I could never throw in “condoms” in a conversation with my mom though.. she’s such a conservative gal… not from the 50’s but the XV century…honestly..she still believes in sex after marriage only…even if you’re 40…woman please!
    anyway..cool post!

  12. ravenjanedoh says:

    My parents are hard core Mormons, so this is NOT a conversation they would ever have with me…. it would go more along the lines of;
    Mom: ARE YOU PREGNANT?! DO NOT come home if you’re pregnant!
    Dad: …Wait… WHAT? Who’s having sex with you?!
    ME: … you found condoms? -!! I haven’t had sex in like, FOREVER!
    Mom: Yep. She’s pregnant. Way to ruin your life… just give up on your dreams and let your soul die before you’re 40.
    Dad: WHO HAD SEX WITH YOU?!
    Me: No mom, I’m not pregnant… I haven’t even had a date in over a year… because I knit. And settle down dad, nobody’s having sex with me that I’m aware of.
    Mom: So if you’re not pregnant, who’s condoms are these?
    Me: You have six other children, so apparently they aren’t yours…..
    Dad: Who has six children? Who’s having sex?-! When did you start knitting?
    Me: OTHER children, dad. You have seven total, counting me, and I don’t actually knit.
    Mom: So why would you need condoms?
    Dad: You’re knitting condoms?

    Heaven forbid we ever have a normal conversation regarding sex – Hug your mom; she deserves a medal for her response. 😉

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