But then I realized that it was Friday the 13th and all of this seemed normal

Well hello there, friends! I’m sorry for my bloggy absence this past weekend, but activities took over and my brain couldn’t handle putting words out by the end of it all. Sometimes we all need a little, unplanned break, don’t we?

One of those activities was a visit with my good friend, The Delightful R, who took the train in from Manhattan to New Haven where I met her. We hadn’t seen one another since my wedding, so we were long overdue for an actual conversation.

Three ridiculous moments happened:

1. While eating a slice of Avocado Toast I stated without any irony at all, “We just want to own a house. That is seriously all we want right now.” In my defense, that Avocado Toast also came with a fried egg on top and it was only $4.50, so… #MillennialMoment

2. We went to a restaurant, and our waiter came out and handed us the wine list and I said “Thank you so much” just as he stated what his name was, so all I heard was “My name is Zafefefefefe whenever you need anything else.”

Because R and I knew that this couldn’t really be his name, we were never really able to flag him down without just doing that awkward maneuver where you just wide-eye in any direction trying to make eye contact with anyone in an apron so that you can get more bread because WHY IS THE BREAD TO CHEESE RATIO ALWAYS SO OFF???

via GIPHY

And at one point, we tried to flag Zafefefefefe down, and we literally saw him FLEE THE RESTAURANT.

We eventually did get more bread and Zafefefefefe did return, but when he handed us our bill, it turned out his name was Anthoni.

3. Because we’re ladies who had long journeys home after our wine and cheese, we needed to use the restroom at this restaurant. The restroom was down the hall, right next to the kitchen, and it was a single, so I let R go first while I waited patiently outside the door. Like a normal person.

THREE TIMES, different dudes came out of the kitchen and asked me “Did you try the door handle?” and then they would jiggle the handle as I said “YES I DID THERE IS SOMEONE IN THERE I KNOW HOW TO USE A DOOR,” but in a slightly more polite tone maybe? Maybe not. It became increasingly frustrating.

By the time R came out I was like “I SWEAR THAT WASN’T ME TRYING TO BREAK DOWN THE DOOR,” and I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced that bizarre level of mansplaining before… Either way, I almost forgot entirely about the weird door behavior because as soon as I entered the bathroom I was HORRIFIED. The wall opposite the toilet was just one giant mirror, so I was forced to just stare at myself while I peed. LIKE A NIGHTMARE.

And this isn’t even including the bit where we got kicked out of a cemetery… sigh… other stories for other times.


In other news, the giveaway from last week’s blog post is still going on. You should partake!


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

Posted in Ramblings | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

It’s GIVEAWAY TIME!

Hi friends!

First of all, a massive thank you to all of you for your lovely comments, emails, tweets, texts, hugs, etc. after my blog post on Friday. I can’t say that I’m totally out of my rut yet, but your encouragement has helped me more than you can possibly imagine. I love you all so much.

And because I love you all so much, I wanted to do something fun.

So… I have a box of books. Books that I helped write, along with some really amazing writers that I know, and I want to send one to you.

Here’s how this is going to work: The first ten people to go sign up to be an Awkward Ambassador on Patreon will receive an autographed copy of This One Has No Name. I don’t care which tier you sign up for: $1 or $20 or anywhere in between. If you sign up, you’re getting a book PLUS all the awesome perks you get on Patreon for being an Awkward Ambassador anyway!

Sound like fun? Great! Now GO AND BE AWKWARD, MY MINIONS! GO!!!!

P.S. My dogs are GREAT models.

via GIPHY


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

Posted in Giveaway, Ramblings | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

So maybe I’m not marketable. 

I’ve been feeling a bit low as a writer/person in the world lately, which is weird because the thing I’ve been feeling low about is the fact that I’m not angry all the time.

I am a feminist. There’s no denying it and I’m happy to say so. And I am angry about a lot of things. I just refuse to let those things make me angry all of the time. I refuse to believe that there are more bad people than there are good, and I refuse to believe that the world we live in right now is the reality we have to accept. If we start simply accepting that things are terrible, then we let the terrible things win.

It’s not that I’m ignoring the terrible things. I just don’t want to validate them. My goal is to give you just a small break and to remind you that there is still good out there.

I choose to believe in and acknowledge love.

But I’m not just a feminist, I’m also a writer. And while I love this blog, I’m also trying to “make it” as a writer and I’d like to be published on other websites as well. …except that most of the websites I find that I think might be a good fit for my style are, well, only publishing angry-feminist stuff right now.

So there’s a strange sense of loneliness creeping in… all because I’m refusing to be unhappy.

I turned to Bestbian today, who always knows what to say in these situations, and… well, she didn’t disappoint:


I’ve seen a few of my writer friends falling down this rabbit hole lately. “What do the readers/publishers/editors want to see?”

But I think we all need to remember that that’s not the question we need to be asking. The question we need to be asking is “What do I have to say?”

I have stories of my foolishness, my uterus, and love.

Maybe that’s not marketable.

And maybe that’s okay.


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

Posted in Ramblings, writing | Tagged , , , , | 6 Comments

We can do this.

Today has been difficult — and it’s only weeks after some other really difficult days/weeks/months. I’ve been pendulum swinging between sadness and anger and wanting to just hug everyone.

Normally this is the part when I tell you all that I truly do believe everything is going to be okay. And I do. I just don’t think it’s going to happen tomorrow. Or the day after that. Or the day after that.

I’m not losing my optimism. I’m still recklessly optimistic and I refuse to change that, but I do think that how we react to this – how we’re already reacting to this terrible and tragic event – matters. It matters more than we can possibly fathom.

And this anger thing is the easy part. It’s taking it to the next level that’s going to make the difference. It’s where we direct that anger that will alter the course we’re on.

I wish I had better words than these. I wish I knew the right thing to say. I wish I had ideas of what to do next.

Let’s make a list, for ourselves and for each other. I’ll start with what I can think of, and then will you please add to it? Add organizations that we can donate to that can help, and whatever else you can think of to start pointing us in the right direction. I don’t have a lot of money, so can’t be one of those amazing bloggers who says that she will match a donation to something, but we can make this blog post a good source for people who have the cash to give. Also, though, we can do so much more than give money. We all have gifts and we all have love, so let’s gather together and flood the world with kindness. Ready? Here we go:

  1. Love. Above all else, before you do anything or say anything, ask yourself if love is the driving force behind that action or those words.
  2. VOTE. Make calls, do all the crap that everyone is telling you to do all the time. Your voice matters and it is heard, and your odds of that being true only go up when you actually speak up.
  3. HAVE THE TOUGH CONVERSATIONS THAT YOU’RE ALWAYS AVOIDING.
  4. Laugh. Comedy is SO important right now. I know it seems like I’m telling you to make a joke out of this, but know that that is so not what I’m saying. I’m saying that we need to find comedy in other places. We need to allow ourselves to take a break from the crap of this world for bits of time and just laugh. For example, as I write this, I am currently watching the latest Seinfeld comedy special, and I’m enjoying it, because that is okay. Taking time to enjoy yourself while terrible things are happening does not make you a bad person. It keeps you human. Because it’s all about balance.
  5. Ask people who are in the thick of it how you can help and what you can do. Don’t just sit there and say “How terrible, I wish there was something I could do.” We have the Internet. Find someone to help and help them.

Okay, that’s all I can muster right now. What about you?

UPDATE: Thank you Grace Helbig.

 

Posted in Ramblings | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What even is “A Scissor” anyway?

So something has been bothering me ALL DANG WEEK.

Someone asked me for “a scissor.”

As I handed the scissors to them I thought to myself, “Don’t you mean ‘a pair of scissors?'”

And then…. I spiraled.

 

via GIPHY

Because a pair of scissors is really just one object, isn’t it? What even is “a scissor” anyway? When does anyone ever just get one scissor? Isn’t that just… a knife? I’ve never purchased just one scissor.

AND WHAT ABOUT PANTS? Why, oh why, are they referred to as a PAIR OF PANTS. They NEVER come separately. I realize that there are two legs that go into the making of pants, but those are just PART OF THE PANTS. THEY ARE PANT-LEGS. You never say that you need “a pair of sleeves” when you’re buying a shirt, do you? Maybe we should?

And if we go even deeper and remove the pants, we get to the weirdest one: UNDERWEAR.

SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN HOW UNDERWEAR EVEN FALLS INTO THE “PAIR” CATEGORY”

YOU NEVER LOSE ONE HALF OF YOUR UNDERWEAR IN THE DRYER.

Am I alone here?


ANYWAY — today is the perfect day to go sign up to be an Awkward Ambassador on Patreon because billing happens on the 1st, which is Sunday, and then you’ll be all set to join in the Patreon-only #SundaySupdates video! You should totally do it. It’s awesome because….

This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

Posted in Ramblings | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Gym Drake is my Unicorn: A Sequel

Okay, so the last time I wrote about the gym, we all learned about my obsession with this guy at our gym who looks exactly like Drake. I was pretty excited to go back to the gym tonight, not because I wanted to get buff or anything (seriously, exercise is VERY boring), but because I haven’t been able to capture this guy on camera yet and I feel like I owe it to us all to provide photographic evidence of his existence.

And alas, we walked in to find that 1) There were more people than usual for this time of day and 2) NONE of those people were Drake.

To say that I was depressed about this fact might seem dramatic, but let’s call a spade a spade. I lazily went through my workout. It became pretty clear that Gym Drake holds the power of my motivation.

So after 30 minutes of just meh-ing around, I went and stood by The Mr. While he did things that looked difficult yet physically rewarding, I hopped onto Instagram Stories:

BUT THEN HE APPEARED.

Seriously, everyone, just as I hit “send” on that video, Gym Drake came down the staircase that I was standing next to and rounded the corner into my vision NOT TWO FEET FROM MY FACE.

So, naturally, I spun around frantically in small circles before running after him. Subtly.

 

via GIPHY

I needed that photo.

As luck would have it, he ended up going into the weightlifting room, and The Mr had ALSO gone there. Ignoring the fact that I never saw The Mr leave the room we were previously in, I knew that this. Was. My. Moment.

I walked over to The Mr with the expression you see in the above photo still on my face. He looked at me and sighed before nodding to confirm that yes, he had seen who just arrived and then he gave me a look like “I swear to God Emelie if you get us kicked out of this gym, I will divorce you.”

Everything was set up so perfectly, though. The mirrors in the room were perfectly positioned so that I could pretend I was taking a picture of The Mr when I was really just getting a photo of Gym Drake in the background.

THIS. WAS. MY. MOMENT.

And then, just as I was raising my phone to make the capture, Gym Drake suddenly got up and quickly left the room.

It took everything in me not to fall to my knees screaming.

 

via GIPHY

And HE NEVER CAME BACK.

I swear to you that he does exist and that I have seen him MANY TIMES. I’m just pretty sure that he can sense when cameras are around and, like a unicorn, he must avoid them before his existence is revealed, because THE WORLD CANNOT HANDLE THE MAGIC.

Or maybe he’s a vampire? And if I tried to photograph him, I would find out, and then he’d have to bite me or kill me, so maybe he’s really just thinking of me because he wants me to live. Aw, Gym Drake… you’re just the best.

 

via GIPHY


In other news, this month’s public episode of #SundaySupdate was last night and it might have been the greatest episode yet? Apparently, cracking eggs is my cooking superpower and my knife skills are “frightening,” so… I HAVE SUPERPOWERS! I’m pretty sure that’s the takeaway here. Anyway, if you missed it, here is the episode. If you’re interested in joining us every week, sign up to be an Awkward Ambassador on Patreon! We have tons of fun.

 


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

Posted in #SundaySupdate, Ramblings, that was embarrassing. | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

“SCATTER!” -My Brain.

My Bestbian is on her way to visit me from Boston RIGHT NOW and I am beyond excited because I haven’t seen her since my wedding day (which was sadly the day I married someone other than her. Damn you, sexuality!)

We have MUCH catching up to do, so forgive me if this post is a little frazzled. Afterall, she now has to get to know me as a married lady and not her awesome, super hot single friend.

Just kidding. I’ve always been a married lady – I just only got the spouse recently.

Anyway, The Mr is yelling at me without using his words right now because the house needs to be cleaned just a little bit more before Bestbian arrives. I realize that sounds confusing, but it is possible to yell without actually using any sounds from your body. Basically, he’s just walking around cleaning, but he’s doing it really loudly, and history has taught me that this means “PLEASE GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND HELP ME PREPARE FOR YOUR FRIEND.”

Or maybe he’s just really passionate about cleaning?

Anyway, I should probably go… but to make up for this very scattered blog post, I’ll be doing a live Q&A on Sunday night at 8pmEST for public #SundaySupdates! You should totally join me.

Also, here’s a cute picture of my puppy who is definitely not this small anymore and is definitely trying to steal a sip of my vodka tonic as I write this. YOU’RE TOO YOUNG, ALOY.


#SundaySupdates, a live Q&A I do WHILST COOKING, is live and public this Sunday at 8pm! Most Sundays it’s just for the Patreon people, but the last Sunday of every month, I open it up to ALL OF YOU! Can’t make it? Post a question in the comments or on Twitter using the hashtag #SundaySupdates and I’ll answer it during the livestream!


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

So… THIS HAPPENED. 


….WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!

In equally unsettling news, #SundaySupdates, a live Q&A I do WHILST COOKING, is live and public this Sunday at 8pm! Most Sundays it’s just for the Patreon people, but the last Sunday of every month, I open it up to ALL OF YOU! Can’t make it? Post a question in the comments and I’ll answer it during the livestream!

Unless I black out and murder myself by then.


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

Posted in Ramblings, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’m probably going to go to jail soon.

I am obsessed with a guy at my gym. Not in like a creepy sexual way, but in just a fascination way, because he looks exactly like Drake.

 

via GIPHY

And I’m pretty sure his name is Jake. At least I think it is. The Mr said he overheard him introduce himself to someone as “Jake,” but now that I’m thinking about it, The Mr might just be saying that to mess with me because he knows how obsessed with this guy I’ve become.

And it’s not like I think looking like Drake is a bad thing. I don’t even know that much about Drake other than the fact that he dances poorly with great confidence (something we have in common) and that he was on that one show in Canada and also that he was hilarious on SNL, and that a very tiny version of him sits on stuff on the Tonight show, and I think he was dating or is dating Rihanna maybe? Oh my gosh, why do I know so much about Drake?? I can’t even name one of his songs… I would love to blame magazines from grocery store checkout lines, but I don’t even go to grocery stores because they give me anxiety, so HOW HAS THIS HAPPENED? AM I CHUCK?

 

via GIPHY

Wait, where was I going with this again? Oh right, Drake/Jake at my gym. Or rather, my obsession with Drake/Jake at my gym. There are many issues arising from this situation:

  1. I am bad at creeping on people with any sort of discretion. I blatantly stare and sometimes I make noises without realizing I’m making them and it’s all very “that mouth breather from Hey Arnold!”
  2. Because I’m bad at creeping, I get noticed fairly easily, and getting noticed by a guy at the gym for staring at him can only lead to him thinking that I’m crushing on him, which would be very bad considering:
    • I AM MARRIED. TO A MAN WHO GOES TO THE GYM WITH ME.
    • This could possibly lead to interacting with a random human at the gym, which is NOT on my list of workout goals. And talking to him could lead to:
      • “Oh I’m not checking you out. I’m just staring at you because you look like you’re trying WAY too hard to look like Drake and this fascinates me,” which I’m pretty sure is an unacceptable way to say hello?
  3. Restraining orders are inevitable.

All of this explains why I haven’t managed to get a photo of Drake/Jake yet, but now that I’ve written/talked about him so much, I feel like I need to take one so that everyone can see what I’m dealing with. This is the closest I’ve gotten:

UPDATE: I just noticed that it totally looks like Drake/Jake is doing the Matrix bullet dodge move. Or falling. But I’m pretty sure he’s doing one of those weird sit-up on a giant bouncy ball moves.


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

Posted in Ramblings, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

KABOOM

When The Mr picked me up from work today, I was just getting to the climax of my book, and I did NOT want to put it down, so I was naturally a little cranky about going to the gym. (Side note: I’m enjoying the gym way more than I thought I would, but that’s another blog post for another time.)

Me: Ugh, this is annoying because I want to finish my book, but I also don’t want to be a slacker.

The Mr: Why don’t you just hop on one of those loungy bikes and read while you do that then?

Me: OH MY GOD YOU’RE A GENIUS.

So I did. I hit the “Random workout” button, popped in my headphones so I could listen to the Stranger Things soundtrack while I read, and I stayed there for 45 minutes and finished my book/acquired the strongest legs in the world. It was amazing. In fact, I was just reading the epilogue when The Mr showed up to tell me that he was all done.

Me: THAT WAS INTENSE.

The Mr: The book or the workout?

Me: Both! I’m so sweaty!!

 

via GIPHY

On a related note, you guys should totally pick up a copy of Bonfire by Krysten Ritter (Yes! as in Jessica Jones!) when it comes out in November. It’s a slow burn, but man, oh man, when that spark reaches the gunpowder, THINGS. GO. BOOM.

Another side note: titling this blog post was really hard because “Sweaty Books” sounds disgusting and “Books make me sweat sometimes” also sounded gross and all things involving sweat can just be gross, so… I went with KABOOM because that felt safer.


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks (like exclusive vlogs or messages from my dog), please click here.

Posted in Conversations, Ramblings, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments