So remember how back in October I moved from Suburbia to Stars Hollow? (It’s true. I accidentally moved to the town that played a part as an inspiration for my favorite show, Gilmore Girls.)
To refresh your memory, I grew up on the equivalent of Wisteria Lane (with slightly less drama and murder) and then at the age of 23 decided to kiss it all goodbye and left my 3/4 acre yard in the dust and relocated here:
That is my yard now. See that white dot at the bottom of the hill? That’s where I eat, sleep, and read.
So a fun fact about this area is that we don’t have cell phone service in most places. It’s not really a big deal because I have wi-fi and a landline, so it’s not like I’m cut off from the world or anything.
Until my phone/internet goes down out of nowhere like it did yesterday.
I figured it was some weird glitch at first, and decided to just go outside and read for a bit and then come back in to see if it had started working again later. Because, you know, technology heals itself.
When that didn’t work, I went through the normal procedure first, which was to go downstairs, unplug the router, wait 30 seconds, plug it back in aaaaaaand…. nothin’.
Alright, fine. Let’s unplug the router and the modem!
So… I grabbed my cell phone, found the number for customer service, and started hiking up that hill you see pictured above. About halfway up is when you’ll probably get one bar, maybe two if it’s a clear day, so that is where I set up camp.
After fighting with the robot lady for a while (who kept asking me to say things that I didn’t feel like saying), she finally informed me that if I didn’t like her, I could say “AGENT” at any time and a real human would be along to assist me. So, I said “AGENT” in my best Liam Neeson voice, which I’m assuming instilled some amount of fear in the robot lady because she didn’t even say goodbye. She just stopped in the middle of her sentence and then there was an awkward silence, eventually followed by the sound of the phone ringing. Conclusion? I intimidate robots.
CS: Thank you for calling customer service, this is Lauren, how can I help you?
Me: Hi, Lauren, my name’s Emelie. My internet and phone have been down for about an hour now and I was curious as to whether or not you could help with that?
Lauren: Oh, well I am just so sorry to hear that, Emelie, can I have the main phone number on the account?
Lauren: Okay… did you try unplugging the router and plugging it back in?
Me: … yes.
Lauren: Okay… Can you tell me which lights are blinking on the modem?
Me: Well… here’s where our situation becomes interesting, Lauren. I live in The Land of Noooo Cell Phone Service, which most of the time is actually quite magical, but in this instance is a little annoying, so I’m actually standing halfway up a giant hill behind my house right now in order to be able to speak with you. I can tell you which lights I think I remember being on when I plugged the modem in half an hour ago?
Lauren: Hm… well… the thing is that from the looks of things on my end, you’re online and everything is fine. Could you do me a favor and just pick up your landline and test it out for me?
Me: … I could…. but that is also in the house, so… it would be a few minutes… because I’d have to run back to the house… but I can tell you that it wasn’t working right before I walked up here.
Lauren: Yeah…. I don’t think we have any other option.
So… I begrudgingly set my phone down in the middle of the grass and ran down the hill. I got into my house and picked up my phone and WHAT DO YOU KNOW IT’S FRICKIN’ WORKING.
I glared at the phone for a second before I remembered Lauren, who was still waiting for me on the hillside.
So I ran back up the hill, which was great, because I’m totally in great shape and running up steep hillsides is like… all I ever want to do.
Me (breathing heavily): Lauren?
Me: It’s…working… now…
Lauren: Yeah, I told you everything looked fine…
Me: I swear… I’m not… crazy.
Lauren: Nah, sometimes glitches happen. I’ll make a note on your account in case this ever happens again. Also did you know that we offer a free service to all our —
At that moment two GIANT TRACTORS came bumping down the hill behind me OUT OF EFFING NOWHERE.
Me: Uh… Lauren, I’m gonna have to cut you off… there are large mechanical devices coming at me now because this is where I live. Thanks so much for all your help!
So I back out of the way and let the tractors (WHO ARE THEY AND WHAT DO THEY WANT??) go past me, waving politely as if to be all “Oh, don’t mind us, we’re just a couple of TRACTORS hanging out in your yard.” It was then that I realized that I didn’t in fact intimidate the robot lady on the phone, but instead I clearly INFURIATED her and now her army was descending upon me. I’VE SEEN THE DOCUMENTARY, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, AND I KNOW HOW THIS ENDS.
I should clarify: There were men driving these tractors. The tractors were not speaking to me or waving at me because that would be insane, and as much as I totally wish I lived in a world where farm animals and equipment could talk, I don’t take the drugs for that.
The second guy driving the tractor stopped suddenly and turned around.
Me: How’s it going?
Tractor guy: You should watch out for poison ivy around here!
I looked down at my ballet flats and looked back up.
Me: Oh… yeah. Thanks!
Because, you know, poison ivy was my concern at this point. The two random men on tractors in my yard? Those are, apparently, totally normal.
So, I ran back down the hill, waving goodbye to the tractors as they drove away, and just as I got inside, my phone rings. Obviously.
Boss’s husband: Emelie! What are you doing around 4?
Me: Um… Nothing. What do you need?
Boss’s husband: We need some help. Feel like baling some hay at our farm?
Me: Oh… sure. That seems like a skill I should acquire at this point.
Boss’s husband: Great! See you in a few hours.
So…that was my Sunday. What did you do?