An Acetone Intervention

Okay, soo….. We all know that I can’t be trusted with anything even remotely involving risk, right? I mean, this is sort of all Fiancé’s fault for casually thinking that I understood the dangers here.

Allow me to explain.

Fiancé and I are getting married a week from tomorrow (AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!) and we’ve been very DIY with this whole wedding thing. Many people have had to convince me that I cannot, in fact, do everything myself. Hiring people to do things is worth it, and while those people are correct and I am relieved that I won’t be spending the morning of my wedding panicking about making flower crowns, there are still plenty of things that we are willing to do ourselves.

Things like… staining and painting the wooden signs that will be directing people toward parking and other wedding-related shenanigans.

It all seemed like a very good idea at the time and perhaps for normal, more stable and steady-handed people it still would be considered a good idea.

And let me be clear about the fact that I wasn’t a complete idiot about this process. I made plenty of good decisions!

Smart choices made by me include:

  1. Doing this outside.
  2. Wearing clothes that I was prepared to ruin.
  3. Bringing beer to the space. (Fun fact: Grammarly was all “this should be Bringing beer to space” and ummm… STOP READING MY DIARY, GRAMMARLY.)
  4. Playing awesome tunes.

See? Already you’re more confident in me than you thought you would be.

But let’s return to one of those smart choices I mentioned: the clothes. Choice number 2. I was totally prepared to sacrifice my jean shorts and my Guns & Roses crop top. A few stain stains would only make them cooler, in my opinion. And I would like to take this opportunity to point out that Fiancé said nothing. He did not warn me, NOR DID HE TELL ME HOW AWESOME I LOOKED.

So we stained, and it was all “La, la, la, staining, staining, staining, la la la” and then we had to wait for that coat to dry, so I sat down on the blanket I brought out (great choice number 5, thank you very much) and I looked down at my legs and I was all “Oh cool!! Look, honey, I’M ALL SPECKLY!!!”

Fiancé was not entertained.

Fiancé: Holy crap, Emelie, no!!

Me: What? How do you not think this is awesome? My legs look like a dinosaur egg.

Fiancé: Babe, that’s going to stain your skin.

Me: Yeah, but it’s not like I’m not going to shower.

Fiancé: Emelie, I got some wood stain on my hand like ten years ago and it only just started to fade.

Me: ….No… But we’re getting married next week! And then we’re going on a honeymoon! I can’t have dinosaur egg legs and feet for all that!

Fiancé: I agree.

Me: What do we do?!?

Fiancé then threw a wet paper towel at me and said “Start scrubbing. I’ll be right back.”

And then, while I got to work, he ran inside and returned shortly with a giant bowl of soapy water, a rag, a bottle of lotion, and a giant jug of acetone, which for some weird reason I didn’t think to ask where he found it or why we have it, but apparently we do and I’m weirdly grateful. I picture Fiancé at the hardware store one day and seeing that and thinking “Who would ever need such a thing?” and then thinking about me and quietly sighing while he placed it in the cart because he just knew that one day I would probably do something that would require an acetone intervention (new band name?). Good call, honey.

And then Fiancé handed me a paper towel soaked in acetone and said “this is going to burn” right before he took his own acetone-soaked rag and started washing my feet as though I were Jesus and he a lowly prostitute.

And that’s love, I think, especially because he managed to keep my pedicure in perfect condition, which is impressive that this stuff is the main ingredient in nail polish remover.

Oh, and yes, it burned. A lot. Hence the lotion. He’s such a smart guy. The yin to my yang.

In other news, this is my final blog post before I’m married, which is nuts!! I’ll be gone from the blog for the next three weeks, but I have a series of guest blog posts from AMAZING people coming at you while I’m away, so stick around and give them your love!

I love you all, friends. Keep being amazing and embrace your awkwardness. Muah!


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks from me, please click here

Posted in Ramblings, that was embarrassing. | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

I expect puppies and other updates.

A conversation I had with my Bestbian/maid of honor yesterday:

So… I think I’m on the right track here, right? Are my expectations too high?

In other news, it is June now, which means that my first ever Awkward Ambassadors have just gotten their first rewards for backing me on Patreon and I had so much fun putting them together. In fact, I had so much fun that I’m thinking about upping my game and including some other stuff for Patreon backers… maybe a weekly exclusive vlog? What are your thoughts?

Even if you don’t back me on Patreon, you still get to partake in some of the benefits! For example, right now I’m asking for suggestions for which charity I should donate 10% of this month’s earnings toward. If you have ideas, head over to the Patreon page now and let me know!

Oh! And I have fun news for you gaming nerds: Fiancé just went nuts and bought a ridiculous amount of streaming and recording equipment so that we can Twitch stream with a little bit more professionality. Tonight. So, if you’re like us and you’re not going out on a Friday night, stay home and watch us try and maintain a healthy and loving relationship while playing videogames together! Watch my twitter account for more details.

Okay, I think that’s all for now! Sorry this isn’t so much of a real post as it is just a deluge of information, but… wedding brain? TWO WEEKS! AH!


Do you write words? I need you! Specifically, I need guest bloggers to help me out while I’m on my honeymoon. This gig does not pay in dollars, but it pays in gratitude, and hopefully some new fans for you, so if you’re interested, please email me: samuelson dot emelie at gmail dot com.


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks from me, please click here

Posted in Ramblings | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Three weeks.

Holy crap y’all. I’m about to have a husband in three weeks. What is happening? When did I become a grown-up? Aren’t I supposed to stop using terms like “grown-up” at this point?

There is a lot of joy right now, of course, and thankfully not so much stress. Everything is pretty much set to go and all that’s really left is the final payments and the execution of all these plans we’ve been putting into place over the past year.

The thing that I didn’t anticipate, however, was how often I would be having the exact same conversation with every single person I run into. 

Person 1: Hey, Em!

Me: Hi!

Person 1: Getting close, right?

Me: Yup!

Person 1: Are you ready?

Me: I think so!

Person 1: Ah, it’s just going to be so much fun.

Me: It sure is!

And then we politely say goodbye and I move on with my life until two minutes later when this happens….

Person 2: Hey, Em!

Me: Hi!

Person 2: Getting close, right?

And so on and so forth until I get home to Fiancé after nine million other people have talked to me.

Me: Did you know that our wedding is coming up?

Fiancé: ….did you not?

And then I close my eyes and fall asleep because I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted, not from planning a wedding and trying to get everything in order, but instead from having had the same conversation every moment of every day now. It’s like some form of mental torture.

We’ve all been there. Anyone who has ever broken a leg or decided to suddenly grow a beard. All of you who are about to graduate or have babies, I know you know exactly what I mean. Suddenly to everyone in your life all you become is the exciting new thing that is happening to you. Nothing else about you is worth discussing anymore.

Me: I wrote a novel.

Person 1: ABOUT HOW YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED?

Me: I’ve discovered a way to reverse the effects of global warming!

Person 2: GREAT! NOW YOUR WEDDING CAN BE OUTSIDE!

Me: I FOUND THE WARDROBE THAT LEADS TO NARNIA!!!!

Person 3: YOU SHOULD HAVE YOUR WEDDING THERE!!!!

I know most people mean well. Everyone is bringing it up because it is this huge and monumentally insane occasion happening in my life and it’s fair to think that it’s all that is on my mind, so I smile through it all and I bear it, because it’s all meant with love. And that’s what this whole thing is about, right? It’s about love. It’s about the love that Fiancé and I have for one another, and the love that our friends and family have for us and the love that we hope to continue having and sharing and experiencing for the rest of eternity until we die in a firey ball of death. Or repetitive conversation.

And it’s not that I don’t want to talk about my wedding at all with anyone ever. Of course I do. This is incredibly exciting for me and it would be weird if no one was acknowledging that it was happening. It’s just strange to feel like this is all that some people see when they talk to me now: A bride.

Maybe this is why people elope. Then again when people find out you elope, you start to have that conversation over and over again, so really… there is no winning, is there? Now just imagine if you were getting married, you broke your leg, your fiancé suddenly grew a beard AND you found out you were pregnant ALL RIGHT BEFORE GRADUATION.

Perhaps that is the only way. People would be overloaded by these momentous events in your life that they would just avoid you for fear of a conversational implosion of doom!!

Anyway, that’s what’s going on with me. How are you?


Do you write words? I need you! Specifically, I need guest bloggers to help me out while I’m on my honeymoon. This gig does not pay in dollars, but it pays in gratitude, and hopefully some new fans for you, so if you’re interested, please email me: samuelson dot emelie at gmail dot com.


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks from me, please click here

Posted in Ramblings | Tagged , , , , , | 6 Comments

Do you write words? I need you!

First of all, thank you for all of your well-wishes over the past week! I’m happy to say that I survived the plague and everything except for my voice is back to normal. I did an amazing Fran Drescher impression the other day and I regret not capturing it on film now.

 

via GIPHY

This weekend is a holiday weekend, but it’s doubly special for us, because it’s also Fiancé’s thirty-first birthday, which we are celebrating by pretending that we live in the woods like wild people… wild people who happen to have access to grocery stores and air mattresses. We’re not exactly glamping, because we’re still doing the tent thing and we do have to hike to our campsite, so I’m giving us a pass with the decadent sleeping arrangements.

Anyway, all of this is to say that this isn’t really a real blog post as much as it is just an update, but also… a request:

I am getting married in less than a month and I’m also going to be going on a honeymoon for two weeks! Yay!

BUT I don’t want to abandon you all, soo….. I need you! Specifically, I need guest bloggers. This gig does not pay in dollars, but it pays in gratitude, and hopefully some new fans for you, so if you’re interested, please email me: samuelson dot emelie at gmail dot com.

That’s all for now! Tata!

 

via GIPHY


his blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks from me, please click here

Posted in Ramblings, writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

My brain is mush… or a delirious rant about being sick.

I’ve been sick all week, which has been only sort of fun, and by that I mean absolutely no fun at all. I mean, I had coffee for the first time all week yesterday. Yesterday was Thursday.

I WENT FOUR DAYS WITHOUT COFFEE AND HOW AM I STILL ALIVE?

I may never know the answer to that question.

At one point, I was sick on the couch with a sore throat, and coughing and whatnot, Fiancé was also coughing, but not as badly as me, and then Gio just started puking. How? Why? What even?

But now we’re all on the mend and everything is just fine and I’m drinking coffee again and we can all STOP PANICKING.

Okay, it’s possible that I’m still hopped up on cold medicine. I don’t know.

Also, it’s summer now. Should colds even still be happening? Isn’t it called a cold because you get it when it’s really cold outside? It was 95 degrees outside yesterday and all of a sudden I have the cold of all colds. This is unreasonable.

Anyway, here is a list of things that I did/watched while sick and my thoughts on those things:

  • Outlander – Ooo lala, the Scottish steaminess is nice. Fiancé and I started watching this because we’re going to Scotland on our honeymoon and we were like “this will get us excited!” and now we’re obsessed. Plus, there’s nothing like being at your least attractive level of attractiveness and watching something incredibly romantic. Yeeeeaaaaah buddy.
  • Family Tree – I adore Chris O’Dowd. Everything he does is just oddly delightful. I highly recommend. Plus, there’s a grown woman who talks through a monkey puppet and Fiancé pointed out that I do the exact same thing with our dog, so… self-esteem points have definitely been gained.
  •  Must Love Dogs – oh my gosh, this movie has almost nothing to do with loving dogs. NEITHER ONE OF THESE PEOPLE EVEN OWNS A DOG, THEY JUST BORROW SOMEONE ELSE’S DOG. THAT’S IT. It should just be called Must Love Someone Else’s Dog.
  • Critical Role – Because obviously. Fiancé and I have been watching a lot of Twitch Streams lately and I think I’m finally starting to understand why sports fans watch sports things. Oh! Fiancé and I have also been toying with starting a Twitch channel where we play games together. Interested? Tell me in the comments below!

And that’s all I can remember right now…. what do you like to watch when you’re sick? Why do you think colds strike in the heat? How long has it been since you’ve had coffee?

Have a great day, friends!


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks from me, please click here

Posted in Ramblings | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Be different.

About a week ago a young girl who frequents the bookshop and likes to chat with me came into the store and told me that Grandparents/Special Friend Day was coming up at her school.

Me: Oh fun!

Her: Well, yes, except, my grandpa can’t make it.

Me: Oh no… that’s a bummer.

Her: Well… I was wondering… since he can’t make it, I’m allowed to invite a special friend…. Would you be my special friend?

What’s that? Oh, that mess on the floor? It’s just my heart in liquid form. Once I regain my composure, I’ll get a mop and clean it right up, I promise.

So, yeah, today I got to go to the local Montessori school for two hours and be this girl’s Special Friend for the day, which basically consisted of getting to wear a pin with her face on it and going to classes with her to get a peek into her life at school, followed by a choir concert before we were all dismissed and released back into the wild. It was delightful and I have never felt cooler.

At one point in the day, we were sitting in her homeroom (which is not called homeroom, but I can’t remember the cute Montessori term they used, so I’m just applying public school terms to this situation) and as I was looking around, I noticed that on the wall above their 3-D printer (whaaaaaaat) were 8×10 photos of each student and a sentence about who they want to be or what they want to do with their lives. It was cute. While my special friend made her homework to-do list for the week, I started reading each kid’s sentence. Most of them were standard: “I want to be a teacher,” or “I want to change the world,” or one kid’s read “I want to make the world laugh” (rock on, little buddy), and then I found my young friend’s photo.

I want to be different.”

Things in the news have been bleak lately and I’ve been trying really hard to keep my optimism going and to only perpetuate happy thoughts. If you’ve noticed, a good amount of my twitter posts consists of cute puppies and other baby animals. I just want to make people smile and to let them know that there are still things to be happy about.

When I saw this girl’s sentence, I felt that feeling that I try and make everyone else feel, and all day long I’ve been trying to figure out why that made me smile. I think it’s because people who intend to be different are the people who tend to think about why they do what they do or don’t do. This girl, a sixth-grader, is already adamantly refusing to give in to peer pressure and blending in. She has already decided that standing out was better than all that.

It also helps that I know her, so I know that her version of different isn’t achieved by being cruel or tough, but instead by memorizing strange facts and befriending booksellers. It’s by writing silly poems and drawing goofy pictures of people, and by volunteering to help build book displays while her dad goes grocery shopping instead of staying home and taking selfies (not that I think selfies are bad, mind you, I just think that a lot of kids would rather take selfies than hang out in bookshops). She’s a do-gooder and an all around cool kid. She’s certainly different, but I’m certain that she’s not alone.

So for all of you who think that the future is lost and that every new generation is worse than the one before you, I want you to know that somewhere out there, there are kids like this one: kids who want to be different. And I want you to remember that being different is what makes a difference.

And I think we’re going to be just fine.


This blog is able to remain ad-free because of the awesome community of Awkward Ambassadors on Patreon. If you’d like to become an Awkward Ambassador and receive special perks from me, please click here

Posted in Holy Crap This Thing Is Awesome, Ramblings | Tagged , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

This makes me uncomfortable, but I’m trying a thing.

The best career advice to give to the young is, ‘Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it.’ -Katharine Whitehorn

I have a really hard time asking for money, especially when it comes to things that I enjoy doing. For some reason, my gut instinct is to say “Sure, I’m working hard, but it’s work I enjoy doing, so the work is its own reward! Why would I want to be paid for it?”

This is a stupid approach. It’s really stupid considering how much I believe that you should find a job that you enjoy doing.

So… I’m accepting the fact that even though I enjoy writing funny stories and it’s a lot of fun for me, it is work and it’s a thing I work hard at doing, so maybe I should be able to make money doing it?

God, I’m so uncomfortable right now…

Here’s the thing: This blog will always be free, and I’ve never been comfortable with the idea of ads or paid posts. Whenever I see advertisements anywhere, I’m annoyed. I don’t want them before my videos, I don’t want them in the middle of my tv shows, I don’t want to see them when I’m driving on the freeway. None of it. So why would I want them on my blog?

I’ve thought about asking people to advertise their blogs here on my blog, but then I think to myself “Eh, I just want to list those for free because I love them, not because they paid me.”

But I also think that writers should be paid. I think creative people should be paid. I am a writer and a creative person. And I work hard at what I do, but I also think that the only way I want to be rewarded for that is because people also like what I do. So… I found Patreon.

Patreon is basically a way for you to support the creative people whose work you enjoy. It’s like Kickstarter, but continuous, and if you choose to support me as a writer, you’ll get special perks outside of this blog – like a book recommendation from me, a cute picture of my dog thanking you personally, a live q&a session with me, or even a crocheted critter.

And if I reach my goal, I can create even more funny content for you guys. I can tell you even more funny stories, and the more funny stories I tell, the better I’ll get at telling them, and together we will make this blog even better – all because of you and your support. I have big dreams to take this blog and this community further, but I can’t accomplish them alone.

Now, you don’t have to do this. You don’t have to pay me a dime. Even if I never make any money, I’ll keep writing this blog and I’ll keep writing stories because it’s something that I love to do, but if you think that creative types deserve to be paid for what they do, I urge you to at least consider it.

 

Are you a creative person on Patreon? Share your work and your Patreon link in the comments below because I’m not just looking to be supported, but I’m looking for more people to support!

Now go forth and do the thing!

Posted in Ramblings, writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Surround yourself with brilliance.

The other night my writing group held a reading at a local restaurant to honor the memory of a long-time member who recently passed away and to honor the work and life of one of the founding members who is moving away shortly. It was all very sad and very humbling, but also incredibly uplifting and joyous.

This writing group, The No Name Writing Group, has been meeting for over thirty years and is more talented than most of its members care to admit or realize. I half-joke a lot about how I’m waiting for them to realize how much of a fraud I am and kick me out. It’s not because I don’t think I’m a good writer, I think I can put words together just fine, but when I hear their work every month it’s hard not to think that I don’t belong.

But then I realized something: I’m becoming a better writer every day and it’s because of this group. I actually don’t think of myself as a complete hack anymore and it’s because of this group – and it’s not because they are constantly telling me I’m brilliant (although they do try and remind me of it when I need it most), but it’s because they are brilliant and I think that it’s finally rubbing off on me to some extent.

So this is what I’m here to really say:

  1. Don’t surround yourself with people you think you’re just as good as, or better than. If you really want to get better at what you do, surround yourself with people who blow your freaking mind.
  2. When you find those people who manage to make you say “Crap, I’ve got some work to do,” make sure that they’re people who will love and support you as you work on your projects. There’s nothing worse than a brilliant jerk, and they should be avoided as much as possible.

And finally, I want to share the work of some of these brilliant people with you. Please go and read their stuff and bookmark it and tell them how much you love them.

Davyne Verstandig: http://www.davyneverstandig.com/

Karen LaFleur: http://www.lafleurartworks.com/

Merima Trako: http://www.worldaccordingtoblam.com/

This amazing short story by Tom Lagasse: https://www.femininecollective.com/beyond-the-finish-line/

And Tom’s website, too!: www.tomlagasse.com

(They don’t all have websites, but if I’m missing any, I’ll update this list as I go!)

Posted in Ramblings | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Does this post make me a beauty blogger now?

Because I’m growing up and starting to think about boring things like my health and overall well-being and whatnot, I’ve been trying to take better care of my skin. And apparently, skincare is not a simple thing. I used to think it was all about lotion and sunscreen and general good hygiene, but oh no. No, now there are 10-step Korean skin care routines that involve serums and scrubs and oils and cleansers that are and are not oil-based and OH MY GOD WHEN DO KOREANS HAVE TIME TO DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN CARE FOR THEIR SKIN???

Time aside, my biggest problem is a little more frustrating. I have a dog.

Some of you might be thinking “What the hell does your dog have to do with your skin care routine?” Stay with me.

Gio is a Husky. And you know what huskies have? A crap-ton of fur. Seriously, we’ve filled grocery bags by just brushing his one leg.

So my apartment is furry. Constantly. We try our best to manage it, but it’s basically just a perpetual cycle of vacuuming to make room for more fur.

And you know what happens when you put lotion on? YOUR BODY GETS SO STICKY.  And when you have a sticky body it attracts mass amounts of dog fur and then you end up looking like some weird, poorly constructed werewolf mid-transition. It’s unfortunate.

So now I have a choice to make: Moisturize and have better, healthier skin or don’t become a werewolf.

Although, now that I’m thinking about it, I could use this to my advantage. I could moisturize my body, wait for all the fur that is everywhere to find me, and then go roam the streets at night, terrifying this quiet sleepy town…. of course now that I’ve posted this, our town will actually get attacked by a real werewolf and everyone will think it’s me and now just by trying to have healthier skin, I’ve doomed myself to a lifetime of pitchforks and angry villagers!

So what do I do? Do any of you have this issue? If so, what do you do? Because I can’t spend my life fighting off angry mobs, you guys, but also, my forehead lines are out of control.

Is this me or is it the dog? YOU’LL NEVER KNOW.

Posted in Ramblings | Tagged , , , , , , | 8 Comments

We got a new oven! …and I’m already banned from using it.

So, Fiance and I got a new oven installed in our apartment this morning, and if you follow me on Twitter, this is not news to you, but if you don’t, let me catch you up:

This was super exciting because our oven was pretty old and temperamental (in a bad way) and while I loved that it had character, that character was a bit frustrating, so getting a new (used) oven was hopefully going to drastically improve things so that I could bake even more things, and pretend to be a cheeky British person in a tent on the grounds of some castle somewhere hoping to win a cake plate. A girl can dream…

So this morning, my mood was this:

 

Everything was going according to plan. Until I got hungry and decided to make a pot of macaroni and cheese (the lunch of adults) while simultaneously attempting to bake a lemon poppyseed bread loaf. I think it was the multitasking that was really the problem. That and the fridge magnets… Allow me to explain…

You see, we have these magnets on the fridge that double as chip clips, and they are very handy at holding cute pictures of nieces, but my cookbook wasn’t staying open to the right page and I desperately needing something clippy to fix that. So there it was, the clip I needed, dutifully sitting on the fridge, holding an adorable photo of Fiance’s niece. I needed the clip.

So I unclipped the picture and attempted to set it on top of the fridge temporarily, but then a breeze came in through the window or maybe I didn’t actually set the picture far enough away from the edge of the fridge or something, but either way, the picture fell. We don’t need to start pointing fingers as to who is responsible here.

It should be noted that the fridge is right next to our new oven that I was so excited to use, and the pot of water for the mac and cheese was boiling on the burner that is closest to the fridge.

So Fiance’s little niece fell from atop the fridge and down to…. well…

Luckily, she did not land in the pot of boiling water. Unluckily, she did land in a way that her arm was maybe too close to the burner.

Okay, fine, her arm was touching the burner.

Me: AH!!!

Fiancé: (from the next room) What happened?

Me: Nothing… everything is fine!

Fiancé: …I don’t believe you.

Me: Don’t come in here!

Fiancé: …why?

Me: Because I may or may not have set your niece on fire!

Fiancé: What?! HOW?!?

Me: WHY DO YOU ALWAYS ASK SO MANY QUESTIONS?!

Needless to say… I don’t think I’ll be asked to babysit at his sister’s house for a while…

See? She’s fine! The fire really barely even got close to the part of the picture of with her in it. And people say that injuries can build strong character, so really, I’m being incredibly helpful shaping our youth here.

Posted in Ramblings, that was embarrassing., Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment