So… THIS HAPPENED. 


….WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!

In equally unsettling news, #SundaySupdates, a live Q&A I do WHILST COOKING, is live and public this Sunday at 8pm! Most Sundays it’s just for the Patreon people, but the last Sunday of every month, I open it up to ALL OF YOU! Can’t make it? Post a question in the comments and I’ll answer it during the livestream!

Unless I black out and murder myself by then.


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I’m probably going to go to jail soon.

I am obsessed with a guy at my gym. Not in like a creepy sexual way, but in just a fascination way, because he looks exactly like Drake.

 

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And I’m pretty sure his name is Jake. At least I think it is. The Mr said he overheard him introduce himself to someone as “Jake,” but now that I’m thinking about it, The Mr might just be saying that to mess with me because he knows how obsessed with this guy I’ve become.

And it’s not like I think looking like Drake is a bad thing. I don’t even know that much about Drake other than the fact that he dances poorly with great confidence (something we have in common) and that he was on that one show in Canada and also that he was hilarious on SNL, and that a very tiny version of him sits on stuff on the Tonight show, and I think he was dating or is dating Rihanna maybe? Oh my gosh, why do I know so much about Drake?? I can’t even name one of his songs… I would love to blame magazines from grocery store checkout lines, but I don’t even go to grocery stores because they give me anxiety, so HOW HAS THIS HAPPENED? AM I CHUCK?

 

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Wait, where was I going with this again? Oh right, Drake/Jake at my gym. Or rather, my obsession with Drake/Jake at my gym. There are many issues arising from this situation:

  1. I am bad at creeping on people with any sort of discretion. I blatantly stare and sometimes I make noises without realizing I’m making them and it’s all very “that mouth breather from Hey Arnold!”
  2. Because I’m bad at creeping, I get noticed fairly easily, and getting noticed by a guy at the gym for staring at him can only lead to him thinking that I’m crushing on him, which would be very bad considering:
    • I AM MARRIED. TO A MAN WHO GOES TO THE GYM WITH ME.
    • This could possibly lead to interacting with a random human at the gym, which is NOT on my list of workout goals. And talking to him could lead to:
      • “Oh I’m not checking you out. I’m just staring at you because you look like you’re trying WAY too hard to look like Drake and this fascinates me,” which I’m pretty sure is an unacceptable way to say hello?
  3. Restraining orders are inevitable.

All of this explains why I haven’t managed to get a photo of Drake/Jake yet, but now that I’ve written/talked about him so much, I feel like I need to take one so that everyone can see what I’m dealing with. This is the closest I’ve gotten:

UPDATE: I just noticed that it totally looks like Drake/Jake is doing the Matrix bullet dodge move. Or falling. But I’m pretty sure he’s doing one of those weird sit-up on a giant bouncy ball moves.


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KABOOM

When The Mr picked me up from work today, I was just getting to the climax of my book, and I did NOT want to put it down, so I was naturally a little cranky about going to the gym. (Side note: I’m enjoying the gym way more than I thought I would, but that’s another blog post for another time.)

Me: Ugh, this is annoying because I want to finish my book, but I also don’t want to be a slacker.

The Mr: Why don’t you just hop on one of those loungy bikes and read while you do that then?

Me: OH MY GOD YOU’RE A GENIUS.

So I did. I hit the “Random workout” button, popped in my headphones so I could listen to the Stranger Things soundtrack while I read, and I stayed there for 45 minutes and finished my book/acquired the strongest legs in the world. It was amazing. In fact, I was just reading the epilogue when The Mr showed up to tell me that he was all done.

Me: THAT WAS INTENSE.

The Mr: The book or the workout?

Me: Both! I’m so sweaty!!

 

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On a related note, you guys should totally pick up a copy of Bonfire by Krysten Ritter (Yes! as in Jessica Jones!) when it comes out in November. It’s a slow burn, but man, oh man, when that spark reaches the gunpowder, THINGS. GO. BOOM.

Another side note: titling this blog post was really hard because “Sweaty Books” sounds disgusting and “Books make me sweat sometimes” also sounded gross and all things involving sweat can just be gross, so… I went with KABOOM because that felt safer.


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Huskies: LITERALLY HAIR EVERYWHERE.

Gio had to go to the vet yesterday for his first ever teeth cleaning. I don’t normally have any anxiety over dentistry, but for him it felt different. They had to put him under, which surprised me at first, but then made total sense because how else would you clean a dog’s teeth? It’s not like you can just tell him to lean back comfortably in this chair and stare at the soothing image of rolling hills tacked to the ceiling. So we dropped him off at 8:15 in the morning and told him to be a good boy and then we left. Aloy, our puppy, was a little confused and cried on the car ride home, but then she realized that all of the dog toys were hers for the day, so she was fine.

I don’t know why I had such anxiety over this. It’s not like he was going to be in any pain whatsoever. In fact, our vet is so awesome that he was even texting us pictures of Gio beforehand to show that he was being treated wonderfully, not that we had any doubt.

And everything went perfectly, of course. The weird part was when The Mr went to pick him up and brought him to the bookshop where I work afterward. Gio was so dazed from the anesthetic that he didn’t even notice me when they walked by my desk. That part was a little heartbreaking, but then he did see me and he sleepily came over, his tail lazily curled (because he doesn’t wag, for some reason?), and it was all okay.

SO CLEAN!

GROSS.

And then The Mr told me something really weird. The vet had found a hair stuck in Gio’s mouth.

Me: That’s not that weird. He produces much fur.

The Mr: No… stuck in the roof of his mouth.

Me: ….like…

The Mr: YEAH. THE VET HAD TO PULL IT OUT.

Me: WHAT. IS THAT NORMAL?

The Mr: I DON’T KNOW.

And now I can’t stop obsessing over the fact that A HAIR WAS GROWING OUT OF THE ROOF OF MY DOG’S MOUTH AND HOW IS THAT EVEN A THING THAT CAN HAPPEN? And I keep asking The Mr all of these questions and he’s all “EMELIE I’VE TOLD YOU EVERYTHING I KNOW.”

So I texted my vetthis adorable photo of Gio getting his breakfast in bed this morning because he was still kind of groggy and didn’t want to get up to eat and the vet responded with “Awww,”  and then I was all “Also, there was a hair lodged in his mouth WTF?!” and he hasn’t gotten back to me yet. So, you know, that’s… what’s happening here? Just a normal day, I guess?

I’ll keep you all updated.

 

 

 


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Just doin’ my job, sir.

Today a child totally called me out when I lied to him, but in my defense, he was hitting his father to an obnoxious degree (aren’t all degrees obnoxious?) and using truth and reasoning wasn’t helping.

Me: Alright kid, this has gone on long enough. We have a very strict no-hitting policy here and if you don’t stop it, I’m going to have to put you to work.

Kid: ….

Me: Cleaning our toilets.

Kid’s Dad: Ooooo… that sounds rough, dude.

Kid: No. You’re lying.

Me: What? I am not.

Kid: Yes you are.

And then we just stared at each other for a few moments until I turned my attention back to his dad.

Me: So anyway, you should totally read Ready, Player, One because it’s amazing.

Dad: Awesome, thank you!

I would like it to be noted, though, that the kid did stop hitting his dad, so…. I’m kind of a hero – even if I didn’t stay within the lines of morality to do it. I’m basically Batman.

 

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BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FISH.

A conversation I had with The Mr as we were getting into bed:

Me: Do you think fish ever get headaches?

The Mr: I’m sorry, ‘do fish get headaches?’

Me: Or any animals, I suppose. Do animals get headaches?

The Mr: I’ve never really thought about it.

Me: It must be so terrible to have a headache as an animal. I wonder what they do about it. Because it’s not a life-or-death malady, is it? It’s just an annoyance, but it can be so annoying that you can’t do anything else… but I feel like animals don’t really have that luxury, do they? They can’t be like “Not tonight, I have a headache.” or “I don’t feel like hunting today, my head hurts,” or on the flip side when one animal sees another animal out on the hunting grounds that isn’t usually there, they’re not like “Hey Steve, what are you doing out here today?” and then Steve has to be all “Oh, just seeking out some herbs for Julie. She’s got a massive migraine,” you know?

The Mr: I don’t think that’s how the animal kingdom works.

Me: Yeah, but you can’t tell me that we’re the only species that gets headaches.

The Mr: Well… most headaches are caused by dehydration, so… yeah, I’m sure animals get headaches.

Me: Okay, BUT WHAT ABOUT FISH?? They’re never dehydrated.

The Mr: Good night, honey.

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And they shall call me “#Sedawson!” Wait. No.

For my birthday The Mr took me to see David Sedaris. He was performing, we didn’t pay him a visit or anything. It’s not like The Mr was all “Pack a picnic, darling, we’re off to visit with David!” and then drove me to some grand estate with groundskeepers and things.

 

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Why are David Sedaris, The Mr, and I suddenly in a Jane Austen novel? None of this seems right… Oh duh, that’s because The Mr bought tickets to go see David Sedaris speak in Massachusetts. Now things make more sense.

Clearly, I do not hang out with David Sedaris (and I believe it’s pretty obvious that that won’t be changing anytime soon.), but I’ve been a big fan of his since college when Bestbian introduced me to his work. I thought he was funny then, but now my affection for him and his work has grown from being a fan to being inspired. His ability to write an essay is frustratingly brilliant.

 

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The personal essay is something that I’ve been working hard at lately, and in doing so, I’ve been turning to his work more and more.

There’s just one problem with looking to my heroes for inspiration: They always seem to be more interesting than I am.

David Sedaris seems to witness a completely different world than I do. Jenny Lawson always ends up in these ridiculous situations and conversations. After reading their work, I find myself not feeling inspired, but instead feeling inadequate.

But then David Sedaris said something in response to a question at his reading that changed things for me. A couple people asked him questions about how he got into writing memoir or if he goes out and gets himself into situations for the sake of the story and he began talking about how none of this was ever part of the plan.

“If you read my work, you’ll notice that nothing big ever really happens to me,” he said. “I just have to figure out how to make something out of nothing most of the time.”

He also said something along the lines of how going out and doing something just so that you can write about it immediately turns that story into a lie. He writes about things that happen to him and what he thinks about those things. Staging those situations immediately takes away the truth from the story.

I couldn’t stop thinking about this. For weeks prior to this reading, I had been saying to The Mr that we need to go do more interesting things and get ourselves into more interesting situations – all for the sake of having material. Of course, now I realize that this notion is completely ridiculous. I can’t put myself in situations like David Sedaris’ and Jenny Lawson’s and expect the great, fresh material to flow out of me. The world already has David Sedaris and Jenny Lawson. They don’t need a Sedaris-Lawson impersonator. (#Sedawson?)

I’m me. It’s my perspective and my ideas that should be going into my work. I just need to learn to make something out of nothing.

I simply need to learn to make something out of nothing.

And maybe when I’m feeling like I can’t do it or that I have nothing good to say, I’ll call my good friend David for a little pick-me-up. Oh… right. I’ll just think about that time I sat in an audience of a thousand people and heard some good advice.


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A Birthday Giveaway!

It’s my birthday today! Yay!

 

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Not only is the universe providing an awesome solar eclipse, but while the world has been seemingly crappy lately, I’ve found myself refusing to give up on optimism. Because that’s how we let the crappy things win.

One thing that I’m especially thankful for is all of you, which is why I’m doing a giveaway for my birthday! The prize? A box of some of my favorite books shipped to you with a personal note from me telling you why I loved them and I hope you will, too!

Here’s what you have to do to enter:

Leave a comment down below telling me three things that you still love about this world. 

That’s it. Just tell me three things that make you happy. Do so before 11:59pm (EST) tonight and then tomorrow morning I will announce the winner, which will be randomly selected from the comments below.

Ready? GO!

This contest is now closed (but keep commenting with happy thoughts!). Congrats to Merima for the win! 


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Some curtains and a tv.

For me, writing is a lot of sitting around not knowing what to write about. Occasionally I come home from work and know that I need to sit down and write some things, but for some reason whenever I set aside time to write, my mind goes blank when the moment arises. I stare aimlessly at my screen and realize that the worst has happened: I have nothing to say.

Okay, sure, for some of you reading this you’re probably thinking “Finally,” but for me, the writer, it’s not the greatest. In fact, for me, it’s one of the most frustrating things I can go through.

Because normally my brain is very busy and full of activity.

And then on the days that I say “TODAY I SHALL WRITE MANY WORDS,” my brain just goes… blank.

 

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What if I never think of something to write again? I’ll say to myself. What if this is it? 

And, of course, I know deep down that’s most likely not the case, but then I spiral down into the blank pit of writer’s block. The giant hole of nothingness.

So I’ll read a book about writing to try and get my brain going. But today, for example, the passage I read was all about how you need to focus in on the small moments in life. It’s in the small things that the lessons hide and are learned.

So I look for small things. I stare around the room for a while and try and focus on objects that might conjure up some fantastic story.

I have curtains, I think. So… those are things. I have a giant tv that I wish wasn’t so giant. That’s also a thing, I guess.  

Turns out that my curtains and my giant tv don’t really have much to say about my life. The curtains came from IKEA and the tv, well it’s a tv.

And I know that the writer of this book didn’t actually mean to find small “things,” but instead was referring to small moments that illustrate the effects of a bigger life lesson, and I know that those small moments exist in my life, but whenever I sit down to write, they vanish.

All I have is some curtains and a tv.

This will pass. I take comfort in knowing that all writers go through this. Surely even J.K. Rowling has her off days. Heck, how long have we been waiting for the next Game of Thrones book?

The important thing is the not giving up. The perseverance to put words down anyway, even if it means writing about not being able to write about anything. After all, if I can get these words out of me, then maybe some good ones are waiting just around the corner in my brain.


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Just keep loving.

The news this weekend was difficult. I had a particularly hard time finding my sense of optimism on Saturday, but then I saw this tweet from The Bloggess, a woman who almost never fails to make me smile, and I felt the light in my heart get a bit brighter:

 

And she’s right. It seems that the jerks are the loudest in the room right now. But I want the change that. So, taking more notes from the fabulous Bloggess, I’m going to make a point today and for as long as I can to be Furiously Happy. To be Deafeningly Loving. To be Overwhelmingly Optimistic.

Because I refuse to let hate win. In fact, I refuse to let it think it even has a fighting chance.

Because just wait until you see what Love can do.


In other news, here is yesterday’s #SundaySupdate video! The video got really laggy at some points and I’m not sure why, but the audio seemed to be doing just fine for the whole thing, so… hopefully all issues will be cleared next week. Enjoy!

 


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